The Long Game
by ps.cynthia
Summary: He left to study abroad. It was a measly year. Yet, so much has changed since then. I wasn't the same girl he knew. I was different. Please, save me. I'm drowning and I don't know how to get back up. How do I breathe? Someone save me, please.
1. Chapter 1

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

Voices kept echoing in my head.

 _Someday?_

 _Someday._

My dream from last night reminded me of two years ago. I was so naive back then. My senior year started today, and although Cory said that meeting the world took years, I feel as though I have already met it all. If there was more to the world than I already know, then I don't want to find out.

I looked at the clock, 7:00. I groaned and slowly got myself ready for school. I was in charge of taking Riley to school since I had gotten my license and car much before she did. It wasn't much of a choice.

I climbed through her window as usual, and of course she was happy. She seemed happier now that today was our first day.

She spotted me through the reflection of her mirror and her grin got wider, if that was possible.

"Maya! Are you ready to finally rule the school?" She bounced towards me.

I simply shrugged my shoulders. She was clearly unsatisfied with my answer as she started to give me a lecture about being happy and finally being the queens.

I started to zone her out as I thought about our freshman year. We walked through those doors as if we'd rule it. We were so wrong. There was so much to learn. Riley was still excited about everything. We were still friends with the gang. One thing has changed though. We've grown a lot since then. Some of us had grown more than others.

"I'm glad to see that smile on your face" I had barely realized I started smiling. "Now let's go!" She dragged me through the window I had came from.

Finding a parking spot was easy since the parking lot was almost empty. It was only 7:40 and school didn't start for another 30 minutes. We came early to avoid the crowds. I hated crowds.

As we reached our lockers, Lucas and Zay were already there. Riley ran towards Lucas giving him a big bear hug.

"Are you ready to be the kings?"

"You bet we are" Lucas high-fived Zay, probably thinking about how they were now the star players on the Varsity Football team.

"We are too" Farkle called out as he came up to us hand-in-hand with Smackle.

"There are our two favorite geniuses" Riley smiled at them.

"How could you guys be so happy about school. We've been here for 3 years too long." I groaned as I closed my locker shut.

"We've only been here for 3 years Maya." I rolled my eyes at him. Sometimes I wondered why Lucas didn't understand my point.

"That's the point Lucas." His expression was blank before he too rolled his eyes. I guess he just wasn't used to me calling him Lucas.

More people started to fill the halls. I looked at the time and noticed that class was starting soon. "I'm going to class" I quickly told them before walking off.

I hated crowds.

Thank god school was over. If it wasn't for Riley, I would have left periods ago.

"Maya, I just wanted to tell you.." She stopped her sentence.

"Are you going to keep going?" I glanced at her before turning my attention back to the road.

"Uncle Josh is back." She finally sighed out. I took a while to process what she said before abruptly stepping on the breaks. Thankfully no one else was on the street. Unluckily, both Riley and I flung forward.

I took a deep breathe and slowly started driving again. "Since when?"

"Yesterday." From the corner of my eyes I could tell she was worried.

"Did you tell him about-"

"That's your story to tell, not mine." She was right. It was my story. I wasn't planning on telling it though.

"Good." The rest of the ride was silent. I was too lost in my thoughts about Josh to notice.

After dropping Riley off, I fell onto m bed. Josh was back and I wasn't ready for it.

I decided to take a shower before heading to Riley's to eat dinner. Shawn and Mom were travelling around the world. I had forced her to go along with Shawn. She wanted to stay with me, to make sure I was okay. I didn't let her stay back for me though. Along with the Matthew's I assured that I was going to be okay. The Matthew's helped by offering to give me a place to stay when I felt lonely and dinner every night.

"It smells great in here" I say as I walk through the door. Topanga was in the kitchen setting up some pasta and garlic bread for us to eat.

"Thanks sweetie, Riley's coming out soon" She greeted me. I slid into my usual seat. My stomach was growling from the smell. It didn't help that I skipped lunch again since I just wasn't feeling it.

"So how was school girls?" Cory asked as we started to eat.

"It was great! The only downside was that Maya here didn't eat lunch again." She looked at me shaking her head.

"You've got to eat Maya." Cory advised me.

"I know, I'm trying." I give a small smile. Even I knew that was a lie. Hey, at least I was eating dinner.

We were at the bay window, as usual, when dinner was over.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Riley asked me again. It was the third time today.

"Riley, I'm fine. Don't worry about it." I tried to reassure her.

"If you're not, you're going to tell me right?" She held out her pinky.

"Right." I laughed at her silliness as I hooked my pinky onto hers.

"MY BROTHA!" I hear Cory shout from behind the door. My eyes widened in fear. I was not ready.

The fear was obvious in my eyes.

"It's okay Maya." Riley tried to comfort me. It wasn't working.

"I'm sorry Riley." I quickly jumped out the window as the door to her room opened.

The cold air was hitting me, but all I could think about was the man in her room.

"Uncle Josh." I hear Riley give him a hug.

"Riley." I could just see the grin on his beautiful face. "I heard Maya was here."

"She just left." Riley sighed.

I let out the breathe I didn't know I was holding.

I stared out into the dark sky. I missed his voice so much. I missed seeing him and jumping on him every chance I got. I miss those days.

I was scared. I couldn't get myself to see him. I slowly crawled down the fire escape and to my car.

I couldn't face him after what happened, nor did I want to.


	2. Chapter 2

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

It was his voice that was echoing in my head now. All I could think about was him. He was back.

 _He was back_

A hand waved in front of my face, snapping me back to my thoughts. I averted my attention to Farkle.

We weren't learning in class (which I'm sure used to bug him) since we were done with the lesson for the day.

"Are you alright?" His eyes told me that he knew Josh was back.

"I'm fine. All of you need to seriously stop asking me that." I know they were worried but we couldn't keep going through this routine over and over again.

His lips thinned out before he responded in a quiet voice, "I just can't stand seeing you so upset." He said in a quiet voice. I wish I wasn't always so upset, but I was. No matter how much I try to forget, I can't.

The bell rang, making all the kids in class head for the door. We waited until the room cleared out before heading out ourselves. The hallway was emptier now. Only a few kids were lingering or slowly walking to class, including Riley and Lucas. They were so in love with each other that it was sick. Being good kids they are, they still somehow managed to get to class on time despite their freakishly slow pace.

Her eyes spotted mine just as we were entering the classroom. "Are you still coming for dinner?"

"No not this time." I shifted my eyes so I wouldn't see a look of suspicion. As innocent as Riley was, she was no idiot. She knew when someone was avoiding something.

I was having homemade tacos for dinner. At Riley's house.

After I had got home from school, I decided to take a nap. The nap would have lasted 3 hours if I had not got an angry call from Topanga.

"I promised your mom that I'd feed you and that's exactly what I'm doing. You're either going to come here yourself, or I'll be driving over there to drag you" Topanga was still Topanga, caring yet scary.

In front of us were tortillas, an array of meats, and of course the toppings. Oh, and the sauces. Nothing beats red sauce on tacos. It was just amazing.

I felt glad that I came to diner. Until the door opened.

"My brotha!" Cory called from his seat. A big smile was on his face as he greeted his younger brother. I noticeably stiffened. Riley softly rubbed my arm before also turning her attention to Josh.

"My brotha!" I knew Josh was pointing at Cory without even having to look over. I kept my eyes focused on the tacos and just eating. "I hope you don't mind that I came over for dinner. I'm just not ready for dorm food again." His voice was getting closer.

He took his spot in his usual seat, which was next to mine.

He turned to look at me. "Hey Maya, it's been a while" His smile was back. That cute smile he's had since forever.

"It sure has." It was an attempt to say it confidently. It obviously didn't work. My voice was shaking and I could barely utter any words out.

Dinner was a disaster after that. For the rest of them it was probably normal, but for me it was a mess. I was internally a mess. I was conscious of how close he was to me. I was trying too hard to not think about the handsome man next to me.

I was decided to assemble my last taco. I piled on the carne asada, onion, cilantro, and red sauce. As I was reaching for the lemon, Josh was also reaching for the lemon. This of course resulted in our hands brushing.

My hand quickly jolted back making. Riley drop her spoon of chicken fall to the ground. There was a loud and painful clang. I could see my hand noticeably shaking.

"I'm sorry Riley." I said panicked. I quickly pushed my plate away and got up from the table. I couldn't think. My mind was spinning. I was out the door and in the lobby before I knew it. I couldn't hear the footsteps, but I knew they were there. Following me. My vision was getting blurry. I could vaguely see the house, full of people. They were so happy. Why?

My breathing got hard. I was going faster now. Before I could take another step I felt a hand on my arm. I turned around and saw him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed loudly. I dropped to the floor. I was breathing really hard now. The figure bent down to my level. "Go away, go away, go away" I said in desperation.

The figure was getting closer, but I moved backwards. He didn't move. He knelt there looking at me.

"Maya, it's me." I quickly snapped up my head. It was Josh.

I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating. I looked at him again. Something about looking at him was calming me, but not enough to stop me from shaking.

He saw this and made a move to comfort me, but I jerked back again. A look of hurt flashed through his eyes before turning to worry. "Did.. did I do something wrong?" He asked me softly.

I shook my head, "No." I barely whispered.

"Then why are you avoiding me. What's wrong?"

I could barely say the words. I was worse than I was in my freshman year. I wasn't lost on my identity, nor did I have a broken family. No, this was so much worse.

"I have androphobia" I barely breathed out.


	3. Chapter 3

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. I could hardly pay attention to the teacher up front. I could only hear the sound of Farkle's pencil as he quickly took notes.

The bell rang signaling all the students to leave the classroom. "Hey Farkle can I borrow your notebook?" I ask him, waiting for the students to leave.

"This was for you anyways." He handed me the notebook. I'm glad to have a friend like him, he knew already that today I just wouldn't be able to take notes.

The class was empty by now, so we left to head to the cafeteria.

I slid myself in between Smackle and Riley when we got to our table. Riley slid me a strawberry milk from the lunch line.

"I'm okay Riles." Normally I could at least take drinks during lunch, but today I was just too worried. I kept thinking about Josh. The more I thought about what was going to happen from now on, the more stressed I got. What does he think of me now?

"It's said that strawberry milk can relieve stress, especially if it's given to you by your best friends" Smackle says in a matter of fact tone. I smile at their attempts and take the milk anyways. I take a small sip from the drink before putting it back down.

Maybe I could just not think about it- Who am I kidding, there's no way.

"You told him last night didn't you?" The five of them looked at me with curiosity and worry.

"I did" I admit.

"And?" This was Lucas.

"And nothing."

"What do you mean 'and nothing'?" This time it was Zay asking in a shocked tone.

"I left before I could what he had to say...or ask" They shook their heads at me.

"You need to talk to him Maya." Both Riley and Farkle say. They give each other a 'this is why we're friends look'. They loved it when they thought the same things.

"No. I can't." I shake my head. Just the thought of it sounded impossible. How am I going to explain why I suddenly had a fear of boys. How am I supposed to keep myself from breaking down when I try to explain everything.

They all sighed. They couldn't fight against me and they knew it. It was more like they were afraid to because I might break again. In all honesty, I probably would break.

I wasn't going over to Riley's today. I was scared to run into him, which I probably would after last night.

My stomach started to growl so I carefully went to the kitchen, turning every possible light on, to grab a cup of juice. It was better than not intaking anything at all.

I was sipping my cup when there was a knock on the door. I grabbed my phone and had Riley's number on dial. Why is somebody at the door? I wasn't expecting anyone. There was another knock. Calm down Maya.

I slowly opened the door to reveal Josh. A part of me was relieved, but the other part of me knew that this was no better.

"What are you doing here Josh?" He was still standing outside despite me opening the door wider for him. I'm glad he was keeping his distance, but my heart clenched a little.

"You didn't go to the Matthew's for dinner tonight." He lifted up a bag of chinese takeout.

"And?"

"I heard Shawn and Katy were out of town so I thought maybe you weren't eating dinner. He had a hopeful look in his eyes.

He wasn't wrong, but even if he brought food I still can't eat it.

Either was I felt touched that he took his time to bring me some food. I motioned for him to come in, making sure to lock the door and guided him from behind.

"I heard about your eating issue from Riley" He admitted. He dug into his bag looking for something. What was in that bag? I don't know but it was freaking me out. Eventually he pulled out a couple of photo frames.

"I figured that you wouldn't feel safe with just me here," He really was taking my situation seriously. I smiled a little at that. "So I brought your family."

I gave him a confused look. "What?" What does he mean he brought my family. He is literally the only person here.

He flipped over the frames and revealed photos of the Matthew's family and Shawn and Katy. They were all eating take-out.

He looked at my reaction. "I'm hoping you find this cute and funny rather than creepy and weird.

I giggle a little. "I do find it funny." And cute. It was sweet that he brought pictures of them but why? What did that have to do with anything?

"Great!" He settled down across the table from me, also laying out the pictures. It was as we were all sitting on one table together and eating.

It started to click as to what he was doing.

"Riley told me that you usually only eat when you're with the Matthews or your parents. So I was thinking that since you weren't at dinner tonight and your parents aren't home, I'd bring them all to you. Look they're eating the same as us too." He chuckled at his own silly plan.

He pulled out the takeout and laid out the forks and napkins.

Everyone in the pictures were really eating the same thing as we were, which was some classing Chinese chow mein by the way.

It was really sweet of him to do this honestly. I looked over the pictures. Riley was holding a noodle in front of her face with her eyes crossed. Cory and Topanga looked as if they were fighting over something in the noodle boxes. Auggie was eating as messy as ever. And there were shawn and Katy. They looked like they were enjoying their time around the world. I wonder what the takeout there tastes like. I reached for my fork and started to dig into my chow mein.

From the corner of my eyes I see Josh grinning.

"It's a little awkward if you just stare at me as I eat Boing." I use my old nickname for him. I'm surprised it came out so naturally. I haven't used nicknames for guys in a while. I don't call Lucas Huckleberry anymore either. Josh's grin grew wider as he noticed his nickname.

"I'm just glad you're eating." He himeslf started to dig in too. I guess he didn't skipped dinner at the Matthews to eat dinner with me.

After we finished I thanked him, "Thanks Josh..it really did feel like my family was here. It felt nice to eat with them." He had a proud grin on his face.

"No problem Little Ferret." He was about to pay my head when he realized and pulled back his hand and I twitched away.

It was awkward. The silence was awkward.

Finally I sighed, "You're not going to ask?"

He shook his head. "Not until you're ready to tell me yourself." Why did he have to be so kind.

"I don't know if I even will be ready," I start.

"That's why we'll wait until you can trust me first. Don't worry, I'll wait." He promised me. Can he really though? I'm not that same adventurous girl he was playing the long game with. This game might never end.

"Thank you." It was barely audible, but I was sure he had heard me as he soon gave me a loving smile. His eyes sparkled like always. I've missed his eyes, that smile, and everything else I loved about him.

"I should get going.." I was a little disappointed but I knew I had school tomorrow and that I probably couldn't handle staying alone with a guy much longer.

We started heading to the door when everything went black. Every light turned off and it was pitch black other than the occasional headlight of cars.

This can't be happening. No. Why now? Please.


	4. Chapter 4

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

Darkness surrounded me. It was just pitch black. My mind was swirling. I felt dizzy. A part of me could feel myself falling back to that moment.

"Are you okay Maya?" I wasn't okay. No way was I okay.

"Maya?" His voice sounded through the darkness again. I could barely see his figure move, but it was enough to start freaking me out. I started to back up by instinct. "Do you need me to leave?"

Do I need him to leave? I do need him to leave. I desperately needed him to leave, but I desperately needed him to stay. Why did this have to happen tonight. I can't be alone in the dark, but I can't be alone with a guy.

"How about I help you light your candles before leaving?" I nodded my head hoping that he could see my figure.

He headed towards the kitchen to check the drawers for candles. He then moved to the bedrooms in hope that there would be candles there. I was left alone in darkness once again.

 _"Just stay quiet," a deep voice whispered. Everything around me was black. I could only feel myself being pushed around. There was something over my eyes. I could barely see where I was going, but from the walls I kept hitting I knew I was in some kind of alleyway. Why was this happening to me? I'm scared. Riley, Josh, Farkle, anyone please._

 _My head was throbbing by now. The man pushed me one last time before pinning me against the wall. I was stuck._

"I found them!" I jumped at the sudden sound of Josh's voice. I tried to shake away my thoughts, my memories. I wanted to forget them, but I couldn't. I was shaking uncontrollably now.

The candles were lit now and he was grabbing the coat he had previously taken off. "I'm going to leave no-"

"Stay." My voice was barely loud enough. I was scared to be alone with Josh, but I was more scared to be alone in the dark.

Josh stopped in his tracks and turned to look at me. I didn't have to look at him to know he was beyond worried.

"Please just stay.." I begged quietly. I was now crouched on the ground. I couldn't stand it. Why was I so weak? I used to be that strong girl who wouldn't take anything from anyone. Now, I've become someone who could barely stand the dark.

I could here Josh close the door. I breathed a sigh of relief, but it didn't relieve my fear.

There was an awkward silence again. This never used to happen. I always had something to say, especially to Josh.

"So uh.." Josh started. "How was your day"

I smiled a little at his lame attempt to break the silence. If we weren't in the middle of a blackout I definitely would have been full out laughing. Of all things to converse with he decided to go with something so cliche. It could have been worse if he had asked how the weather was though.

"It-it was good." I stuttered out. the conversation was over.

Another silence. It was starting to takeover. I feel myself drifting back to that time. The darkness was taking over.

 _Why me? Why? Why? Why? Help me. Please. Help. What did I ever-_

"How's the weather..?" I hear Josh's voice. I was scared, but I couldn't help but giggle. I kept laughing. I couldn't stop laughing now.

"Why are you laughing?" There was a tone in Josh's voice that gave away that he too was smiling.

I was laughing because he asked me how the weather was, something worse than asking me how my day was. There was something else too. I was laughing because only Josh had managed to bring me back. Riley couldn't even do it, but Josh somehow did without event trying.

My laugh turned into laughs of fear though. I couldn't help but think about that night. He managed to pull me out of reliving it, but my mind kept thinking about it.

"Please help me." I wasn't laughing anymore. I felt myself going backwards to that time. "Somebody, anybody." The feelings I felt that night came back.

Something furry suddenly touched my arm causing me to jump. What is that? I don't remember anything furry being near me.

"It's okay Maya." A high pitched voice said. What?

I look to my left, where the furry thing touched, to see it was a stuffed bear. What?

"It'll be fine." Said the same voice. That's when I fully came back to reality. I wasn't alone. Josh was here for me. Sure enough the hand holding the bear was Josh's.

"You're not alone, let's sit by the candles." He continued in that silly voice.

I looked at him kind of funny. He raised a brow at me.

"What?" He once again used his bear voice. I small smile made it to my face causing a smile to reach his face.

"Your bear voice is kind of creep." I finally say.

"It's not that bad.." He was pouting now. He was almost too cute for me to handle.

"It's pretty bad."

"Could you do better?" He grinned. I was up for that challenge.

"I can..maybe." A squeaky voice came from me. I didn't even know my voice could go that high. We both froze at the sound that came out of my mouth and soon we were laughing. I had almost forgotten about what happened.

"Okay maybe I can't." I admit. I look up towards the candle light. It was getting dimmer. I could almost feel myself going back. No, don't go back. I don't want to go back.

"Here hold my hand." He was doing that silly bear voice again. The bear's furry paw touched my arm. I am not alone. This bear is here for me. I am not alone. I grabbed onto the bear's light brown paw.

"Where did you get the bear?" I was trying to keep my mind distracted.

"I may have swiped it from Riley." He said guiltily.

"Riley's going to kill you." I say in a serious tone. We both stare at each other seriously before cracking into smiles.

"I'm kidding. I asked her and she say yes." Riley actually let Josh take it? I must really be worrying her.

"That no fun."

"I am not stealing from my poor, innocent niece."

That's when the lights switched back on. It was thanks to Josh that I wasn't there right now. The blackout had lasted about an hour.

I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. I looked up towards Josh to see him smiling at me.

"What?" I raise a brow.

"It's been a while since I've heard you laugh." I was still holding onto the bear's paw.

I sighed. "I know.." I haven't really laughed like that in a while.

"I should get going." He started to stand. I followed him to the door.

"Josh?"

"Yea?" He quickly spun around to face me.

"Thank you."

"No problem Little Ferret." He gave me a smile that melted me on the inside. I wasn't just thankful for him staying during the black out though.

"No.. Thank you. Thank you for being patient with me."

"I'm in it for the long game Maya." He quickly said his goodbye and left. I could tell that he was blushing since his ears were red.

"I don't think you should be though.." I said to myself. I wasn't myself anymore. This issue was going to follow me forever and I don't think anyone can stop it, not even Josh. I will always be in that time. He's wasting his time waiting for me. I'm just not worth it.


	5. Chapter 5

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

I am a coward. I wasn't always a coward, but clearly there have been lots of changes to my life.

"You've been avoiding him for the past 2 weeks" Her voice was laced with disappointment. Riley rarely ever uses that tone with me. When she does, I know I've messed up. Nevertheless, I ignored her and continued doing my homework.

"He's leaving in a week Maya!" She swiped the pen from my hands. She was beginning to become irritated with me.

This is why I'm a coward. I haven't been to the Matthew's in weeks and I've been lucky that Josh wasn't coming over like that one night. It disappointed me a little that he wasn't, but it was better this way. I have still been eating though. The pictures Josh left for me was helping me eat. It was really weird to just have photos of everyone, but it helped so I wasn't going to complain.

"I have been." I quietly say as I put away the homework I couldn't even finish.

Rather than answering me, she constructed a Bay Window in my room. She sat there and pat in the seat next to her. I sighed at her silliness and sat in the seat next to her.

"Why?" She finally asked.

"I'm scared." I whisper.

"Scared of what?" She knew that the obvious answer was that he would accidentally touch me, but she knew that there was more to it than that. It would be ridiculous if I didn't hang around Josh in fear of him touching me because then I wouldn't be hanging out with Farkle, Lucas, and Zay either.

"He's planning on waiting for me. I can't just hold him back because I'm scared. He should go fall in love with someone else. He's not going to be waiting for a few months, this might take years. I can't give him such an unstable wait. He could be going out there. I'm not worth the wait." I let it all out.

She gave a deep breathe. "Maya. You're not the one to decide if you're worth the wait. Only he can decide that."

"But-"

"No buts. Go. See. Him." She commanded.

"I don't know.."

Her warm hands grabbed mine. "Please, just trust me on this."

She was my best friend, my sister. She wouldn't ask me to do this if she knew it was bad for me.

"Okay." I nodded my head, "But.."

"Another but?" She had a small grin.

"But where does he live now?" I laughed a little and she followed.

"I'll text it to you."

Here I am, standing in front of an apartment located near NYU. This meant being near almost adult, college students that could possibly scare the living shit out of me. That was a low possibility though..I hope.

Honestly though, I'm not sure what I'm more scared of, the fact that I'm going to talk about who knows what with Josh or just being surrounded by these college students.

"Maya?" I didn't have time to decide because I came face to face with one of them right away.

"Hey Josh.."

"What are you doing here?"

"You know.. just in the neighborhood" I mentally hit myself for the lamest excuse ever.

He smirked and nodded his head also knowing that that was the worst excuse ever. "Just couldn't stay away from me and my teddy bear voice huh?

"Just as much as I miss having pineapple on my pizza."

He raised his brow at me. "Do you have something against pineapple on pizza?"

"It shouldn't even be on pizza." I pouted.

"It's the best topping!" I laughed at this silly argument we were having right outside his apartment. He had this look on his face. He had a smile that looked as if he was looking at the world. I blushed at that thought.

"I actually came to talk to you." Although I had no idea what I wanted to say.

"Do you want to come in?" I silently nodded my head as I followed him in from behind.

His apartment was plain and simple. It was so clean and neat. Well half of it was at least.

I moved from his kitchen to the living room and eventually to his room. It was neat. Clearly, his housemate was the messy one. His black and blue bed was already made. The white walls were covered in posters. Different books of different genres were piled at the bottom of his bed and on top of his desk. Of course there was also the nicely organized bookshelf. Lastly were the picture frames on his bedside table. One was of him and his parents. Another was of the holiday celebration we had at the Matthew's. The last was of the two of us. I smiled at it before frowning. It was a picture of us on Valentine's Day in my freshman year. I was so happy back then.

In all honesty, I was happy Josh was back. Him being gone made me miss him more than I usually do.

"Please tell me you don't think it's totally weird that I have a picture of us." Josh said in an embarrassed tone. I jumped back at the sudden male voice.

"Very weird. Maybe even a little freaky." I jokingly say as I regain my composure.

"Funny."

I walked out of the room and sat on the couch. I'm happy to say that there was no awkward silence this time. I sat around taking in his living room again. It was all so fake cause I didn't think I would make it this far. It was a miracle I could be sitting here alone with Josh. Maybe I was used to it from last time, or maybe it was Riley's words and blessing that got me here.

"So what do you want to talk about?" He broke the silence and focused his eyes on mine.

I sighed and turned towards him. "I just don't think we should be playing the long game anymore." There was a pain in my chest.

"What are you talking about? We agreed on this." There was hurt running across his eyes. His body was tense. He was trying to hard not to show emotion, but I saw right through it. He was angry and upset. He was sad.

"Josh, you're a boing. You can get any girl you want. You can have a future with them. You're going to be wasting time waiting for me. Go out and have some fun."

"I can have a future with you too." He deadpanned.

"No you can't Josh. Just look at me. We can't touch. We can't hold hands. We can't hug. We can't kiss. We'll be sitting at this distance forever." My eyes were starting to water.

"I'm not going to be wasting my time Maya. I'm choosing this, so please don't say you're a waste." He instinctively reached out and I jolted back.

I was holding back the tears that desperately wanted to fall. "This is the exact reason why you shouldn't wait for me. I have androphobia for god's sake. I feel scared just sitting here with you. I'm going to be holding you back. You have a life to live." I got up and quickly left the apartment. It was clear to say that he didn't follow me.

"Did you talk to Josh yet?" Riley asked as we walked out of school.

"It didn't end well." Was all I gave her.

"Did you let him talk?" She gave me that look. Did I let him talk? I gave him about two sentences.

"Well, here's your chance to let him." Riley said giving a pointed look at something in front of us.

I looked up towards the gates of school. There in his cute flory was Josh. Let's just say a few girls, or all the girls, passing was glancing and gossiping. Oh and giggling.

"Uncle Josh" Riley gave him recognition. "I'll just leave you two be." She walked towards Lucas making him give her a ride instead. I tried to avoid eye contact.

"Let's go." He motioned his head towards the Matthew's direction. I guess we were going to come back for our cars later.

Between the school and the Matthew's was a park. It was filled with kids playing around.

Watching the kids from the park bench was somewhat relaxing. I remember being so young and innocent.

"Riley told me to let you talk." I started off. In the far distance there was a little boy crying. He had just tripped. I grabbed the band-aids I kept in my bad and headed towards him. "Hold on."

I talked to the boy and hoped he would stop crying. Luckily it worked. I put my mickey mouse band-aid over his cut. He gave me a hug as a thank you. It was sweet and cute.

Josh raised a brow at me when I came back.

"I thought.."

"Little kids are an exception. That's why I can still play with Auggie. Somewhere in my mind , I know that Auggie won't hurt me. Or little kids in general. Maybe it's because I know I can protect myself from them." I explain.

His tone shifted to something much more serious. "Remember when I used to tell you we couldn't happen because of our 3 year difference?"

"Yea, of course. I tried hard to get you to change your mind. Caveman paintings. Crashing parties." I laughed at the thought of the past.

"Eventually I did change my mind. Then we started the long game." I nodded my head. I had a slight idea where he was going with this.

"And now here I am to change your mind." He sat silently. He was trying to figure out how he wanted to explain everything. "You never stopped trying for us to start, so I'm hear to fight for us to stay."

There were butterflies in my stomach at the idea that he thought of us as one.

"You trust that little boy to not hurt you right? That why you can touch him? I'll wait for you to trust me." I took his pause as a chance to talk.

"You don't get it. I can't trust you and I probably won't ever." A hurt look crossed his face. There was another pain in my chest.

"When your doctor told you about your adrophobia and such, what did she say?"

"She explained how I developed it."

"What else?"

"There was a chance I could overcome it.." Things were slowly starting to click in my head.

"I'm sure that at first you were also scared of little kids." I nodded my head. "And then you realized that they couldn't hurt you."

Everything he was saying was right.

"I'm not saying that you have to force yourself to trust men, but I want you to be open to the idea. I'm not going to hurt you Maya. That much you can depend on. I would do anything to make sure you're okay and safe. I'm okay with waiting for you. To me, it's not a waste. I'll wait for you to trust me for as long as possible. I'll do more than waiting, I'll gain your trust. I just want you to be okay with the idea that maybe you can trust me, just like you used to."

"What if it takes me 10, 20, even 30 years?" I barely utter out. "What if I can never go back?" A tear slipped from my eye. It was heartbreaking to know that I didn't trust him. My heart told me to be hurt. I couldn't trust the guy that I loved.

"Then I'll just wait. I always will."

"I'm not worth your wait Josh. You'll be wasting your life waiting aorund. I don't want that for you" More tears were slipping. Josh made a move to hug me, but realized he couldn't.

"I really like you Maya. You're that girl who has sass, who isn't afraid of being who she is. You're the girl with a radiant smile and hope. You're the girl that I like. You're not the one to decide whether you're worth the wait or not. That's my choice. I already know that you're worth it. Heck I will wait until after our deaths if I have to. Why? Cause you're worth the wait. I don't care what you say to me or to yourself. I will always think that you're worth it. You really are. I just want you to see that too. One day you will, I promise."

I was intaking everything he said. This was why Riley pushed me to go talk to Josh. She was trying to say the same thing to me, but she knew that Josh was the one that had to tell me. She just knew what I needed.

He was looking at me again with his beautiful eyes. There was hope in them.

Was I really just closing myself off to the idea of trusting men? Josh doesn't know why I have this phobia, yet he read through me so easily. I was scared to trust them. I could barely stand around Lucas and Zay and Farkle without thinking of what happened. I could barely stand near Josh without shaking. I was so scared to trust them. It was nearly impossible. Nearly. Everyday was a struggle. I put a distance between myself and them. I had built a wall and I never wanted to climb it nor did I ever try to. Maybe it was time to. It wasn't impossible and I knew that. I was just too scared to go back in fear that the past would repeat itself.

"Okay." I finally said. His eyes widened and soon there was a wide grin on his face.

"Does this mean the long game is still on?" The excitement in his voice was evident.

I laughed and wiped away my tears. "Yes, yes it is. I'll try to trust you again." I told him.

He was about to move for another hug when he stopped again. "Sorry natural instincts." He apologized.

"I want to hug you too." I truthfully told him. His grin was wide. It was like the world lit up for him. Just having this chance seemed to make his day better. With that thought in my head, I too had a smile.

"Hold on." He started rummaging through his bag. I raised a brow at him. Finally he pulled out a pointer stick. Kind of. You know the pointer sticks with a hand on the end of them for kids. That was exactly what it was, except the hand was open.

He distanced himself from me a little so there was enough room to stick out the pointer stick.

"Someday?" He pointed out the stick for me to shake.

"You're kidding." He was joking right.

"I'm not. I can't touch you, but it's worth a try. It might even help you."

I laughed at his stupid idea. Eventually I grabbed the hand. "Someday."

I smiled at him and he was smiling back.

I can't believe that this was going to be the guy I let take me back. This silly guy that had the most ridiculous remedies. This was the guy I loved. At this moment, I felt that I had hope.


	6. Chapter 6

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

"You seem a lot happier these days." Well Farkle, I am. More than I'd like to admit too.

I gave him a small smile and nodded. "I decided to give this hope thing a try."

His face lit from announcement. "I'm really glad. It's going to do you good."

"I sure hope so."

I've been talking to Josh more. We've been taking it slow, which I'm really grateful for. It was scary to push myself pass this fear. I thought that I was making a mistake and I wouldn't get over it. I told Josh and Riley that I was going to give it try, so here I am.

Josh started off easy. We texted since it was the easiest and it was the least scary. He was back at NYU now. It was his last year so he wasn't free enough to come visit as often.

Yesterday we upgraded from texts to phone calls. Yes, I realize that we've been talking in person for a few days already, but the thing is that I was constantly afraid. I was always so tense and scared. So, we are slowly moving so that I won't be as tense. Yesterday, we had the longest talk. It lasted almost all night. It was one of the most amazing calls I've ever head. No one could compare, well other than Riley. Nobody could compare with Riley.

We talked about absolutely nothing, yet absolutely everything. Let's just say, I wanted to do it again.

We headed to lunch with Riley and Lucas after class.

Let me just tell you that this moment was shocking for my friends.

I started heading towards the lunch line. I stared at the food. Of course I was hungry, but I knew I wouldn't be able to eat something heavy. Instead I grabbed some apple juice and a granola bar that our school gave out as lunch. My friends were staring. They weren't even trying to be discreet.

I sat in my usual seat between riley and Smackle. "Just say it." I slowly opened my granola pack.

"You-you're eating." Was all Lucas managed to get out.

"I'm trying." I state as a matter of fact. I've been trying to eat a little during lunch little by little. Going to public places and such to eat. Of course these places were crowded with people, but it was much better than an isolated place...as long as no one touched me.

I bit a little corer of the granola.

"What happened?" Riley asked, surprised by my sudden change in attitude. I had been talking to her but I haven't really seen her since last friday.

"We thought it would be a good idea if I tried to eat little by little for lunch. It could be a step to actually getting better." I explained.

"We?" Zay questioned.

"My uncle and her" Riley explained. There was a tone of hurt in her voice.

"Well, I'm really glad you're trying Maya." Smackle commented.

We were sitting at the bay window and now I was sure she was upset.

"Riley, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know?" She said quietly.

"Of course!"

She sighed. "This is going to sound crazy and selfish, but why did you listen to him and not me?"

What was she talking about? "What?"

"I've been trying to help you for months, and Josh he just comes back and you listen to him. I'm glad you're trying to get better, but it just hurts a little. I shouldn't be selfish like this, but I can't help it."

"Riley, how could you ever think that. That's not selfish of you at all. I have always wanted to do this. I intake every word you say, I really do. I've been on the edge of that crossing line, Josh just gave me that push. You know who got me to that line though? You, and the others. Your words and worry have gotten me there, I just needed a little something to actually start it. I really do listen to your advice. How could I not? You're my extraordinary relationship."

"Peaches" I saw that she was tearing up before we dove into a hug.

She separated from me and gave me that look. Suddenly the topic was changed. You know the look. The one the friend gives when they see you talk to your crush for the first time or when they want to make fun of you. That look.

"So..."

I raised a brow. "So?"

"Update me!" She squealed. You would think after a few years she'd have matured a bit, but she hasn't.

"There's nothing to update." I wasn't sure if I was lying or not. Nothing has changed, we're still playing the long game.

"Something has changed Maya." She gave me that one look.

"I don't know. Did something change? We've been texting..and talking." She was silent, telling me to go on. "I don't know. I've been in this scared bubble this whole time and he's desperately trying to pull me out. I guess the idea and hope he's giving me touched my heart. It makes me actually want to push myself. His hope is giving me that push." She had a smile on her face. She was silently thanking Josh. Thanking him for the push.

"Yesterday we talked all night." I admitted. She raised her brow in amusement.

"Oh really?"

"Yea. It was so great, but I'm scared Riley." I closed my eyes trying to shut out the thoughts.

She held my hand in support. "Scare of what?" Her voice was gentle, and comforting.

"I'm scared that the something bad will happen again" The feeling of being pushed against the wall and the fear I felt was entering my mind. I felt the squeeze of Riley's hand, bringing me back to the bay window.

"We're here to protect you this time. Me, my parents, Lucas, Farkle, Smackle, Zay, and Josh. We will protect you, no matter what it takes. You would do the same for us." She gave me a hug.

"There's also one more thing..." I add on.

"What?"

"What if.. What if Josh breaks my heart into more pieces than it already is? What if he gets tired of waiting? Of playing this long game?"

She gave me a look that said I couldn't be more wrong.

"Maya, Josh cares for you almost as I care for you. No one can care more about you than me by the way. Anyways, he cares so much about you, he would never hurt you. He would never break your heart like that. If he did, well let's just say the rest of his life won't go so well." She gave an evil, dark look. "Anyways, he cares about you. I know he does. You should too."

I was just scared. My insecurities were getting the better of me. I knew he cared, but there was always that what if. For now, I was going to have to take that chance.

"Thunder?" She held out her hand.

"Lightning." I smiled back at her.

This bay window is magic. Thank you Riley.


	7. Chapter 7

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

"You guys are going to homecoming this year." I pointedly say to Lucas and Riley.

"We can't go without you." Riley simply stated. She's been saying this ever since sophomore year.

"It's your senior, you guys are going. All of you." I turn the the rest of the gang.

It wasn't only my fear that was stopping me from going to dances. They just weren't my thing. After that dance in middle school, it just started to seem ridiculous.

"Please?" It was like Lucas was tempting me to make fun of him for begging.

"No." Thankfully they couldn't argue back because of the bell. This wasn't going to be the end of this conversation though.

There was an assembly today during fifth period. It was, of course, to announce the theme for homecoming.

Homecoming at our school was as fancy as other dances. Girls bought dresses, guys wore suits, and couples were all romantic. There was talking, dancing, eating, and anything else people do at dances.

After seeing a couple of girls dancing to some song, a poster with the theme, date and location was lifted. _City of Lights_.

We were in New York. It was a fitting theme. I could imagine how they'd decorate and what props they'd use. It was really going to be a nice dance. I really hope they cenjoy it.

"That's amazing!" Josh exclaimed from the other side of our call. We were facetiming this time. It was another small step that he had insisted we try. It was working though.

Our student council had asked me to paint a mural for our dance. They wanted something that they could use as a backdrop for when students took pictures at he dance. I was beyond excited.

I smiled at the fact that he had a matching excitement as I did. "I'm really looking forward to this"

"Do you have an idea of what you want to do?"

"I have a vague image, but I have to sketch it out first." In reality, I was already sketching it. I was sketching while we spoke.

"Is that what you're drawing right now?" I nodded my head.

"Can I..help?" He cautiously asked. I took my attention off the sketch and looked up to Josh looking kind of shy.

"What?"

"I was hoping I could help." He looked unsure if this was a good idea, which was rare. "And we haven't really seen each other in a while, I was hoping maybe.." He drifted off before finishing the sentence.

"We're looking at each other right now."

He rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"No offense, but can you draw?" I asked. Josh was talented in many things, but art was something I didn't know he could do.

"You'd be surprised Ms. Hart. I am actually a much better artist than Riley." He chuckled. I sure hope he is. Riley's purple cats have not improved since freshman year.

"Alright how does this look?" I lifted the paper to show him. Hopefully he could see through this bad lighting.

"I can't really see anything?" Hope is for suckers after all.

"I'll just send you a picture." I paused our facetime to take a picture.

"Hey this looks pretty cool!" He exclaimed through the audio.

"You think?"

"Yea. I'm glad that your school knows how talented you are." I could just hear the smile in his voice.

"So are you busy saturday?" I switched back on the call to see him still gazing at the picture.

"You're really going to let me help?" I wasn't sure if his eyes lit up because he noticed I was back to the webcam or because I'm actually letting him help. I guess it could be both. I nodded my head.

"I'll see you then." He winked. Sometimes I can't believe how crazy this is. Just 4 years ago I was still crazy for him. Well I still am, but I was desperate back then. I wanted him to notice me, to see me. Not as some girl who's friends with his niece but as someone he could be with. Now I have it. It's surreal.

"I rolled my eyes at him. "Goodnight Josh."

"Goodnight Maya." He did that click thing with his tongue when guys are trying to be cool. I rolled my eyes once again before switching off.

I walked over to wear Josh was crouched over the side of our mural. He was so focused on what he was drawing. I peered over to see the intricate details he was drawing for the sky scraper.

He finally sensed my presence and looked up at me to see me staring at him drawing. "It is no good?" He frantically looked over it to see if there was a problem with it. It was as if he was a scared squirrel.

I laughed, "No boing. It's really good. You could be an artist"

"I'm glad to hear that coming from an artist." He turned his head back to drawing.

Soon we were painting. The bridge was once color, the sky another, the background building was a splurge. There was faint blue, green, yellow, pink, and just about any other color that blended well.

I looked at the whole image. From what I painted to what Josh painted. From the bright colors to the different images. The mural was perfect.

Yet, it wasn't. Suddenly this wasn't what I wanted. It was nothing like what I wanted. It was supposed to be the city and everything great about it. It was supposed to make the city shine.

The fake colors were burning my eyes. The bright lights were fake. It didn't shine at all. The colors didn't work. The city wasn't bright. It wasn't amazing. Nothing about the city was good. It was all black. It was dark. It was nothing like this fake mural that was portraying the city. It was the exact opposite.

"Maya!" Something stopped my hand to continue. Josh had grabbed the top of the paintbrush I was holding. It was dipped in a pitch black.

 _Everything was black. I couldn't see anything. I was pushed against the wall. I kicked and kicked but I was still against it. I couldn't get free. He was holding my hands above my head with one hand. The other hand.. I was scared. I couldn't even say it. I'm so scared. Why am I so week._

 _It..it was trailing down my cheek. Then my neck. Slobbery lips replaced his fingers soon after they left. They were trailing down to my shirt. I felt my shirt being ripped off me. I'm scared. Please, anyone. PLEASE._

 _Everything was black._

"Maya!" Josh called out to me again. I could barely wrap my mind around that I wasn't there. It was as if it was that night. A living nightmare.

"Maya please, I'm right here. What's wrong?" Josh continued.

"I-Nothing." I barely managed to say. I could barely snap out of my own thoughts. He didn't believe me. I didn't even blieve me.

"What's wrong?" His eyes were worried. They were filled with fear. 'What was going on?' I could see it running through his mind.

I looked up towards the mural. It was ruined with black. It was all ruined with streaks of black, blotches of black. Just black. Josh himself had a streak of black across his face.

"I ruined our hard work. I'm sorry."

He sighed and sat down. He patted the spot next to him. I slowly sat myself down.

"You have more than a fear of men don't you?"

I looked to the college boy sitting next to me and sighed. Nobody noticed before, yet he came back for a short while and has already figured me out. I was scared to reveal everything, but I was also tired of hiding everything. Riley's going to be upset for not telling her first, or at all, but I know she'll understand.

"I have PTSD." There was a silence so I continued on.

"Sometimes at night I get triggered, sometimes it's just looking out looking out to the city, sometimes its small little things that suddenly remind me of that night, and sometimes it's...NYU." His eyes widened, but he let me keep talking anyways.

"Obviously this happened after you went to go study abroad. When you left I was invited to this frat party. At the time I thought it'd be so cool to go. Of course Riley and them told me it was a bad idea, but I didn't listen. I wanted to experience the thrill of going to a college party, and even better a frat party. I went with another friend of mine from back then. When I went it was exactly what I imagined. Excitement and fun. It was also the opposite of what I imagined. There were way more drunk people than I thought there would be. Nevertheless, I still went in. I regret it now, but it's too late. It started off really great. I met a few people and talked to them. There was this one guy in particular that I hit it off with. We both loved art and adventure. We talked throughout the party. He kept drinking more and more as time passed on. I had stopped after my second cup. Eventually, he tried to kiss me, but I stopped him. I wasn't that reckless. After that he got angry and stormed off. I didn't see him again for the rest of the party. I eventually got bored and decided to go home. My friend had gone missing and she was my ride. I couldn't ask anyone else for a ride since they were all drunk and I didn't know them. I didn't have my car yet either so my only option was to walk home." Josh's fists visibly tightened to the point they were almost white.

"I have a high tolerance for alcohol. Two cups is nothing to me. I was able to walk home safely, or so I thought." The flashbacks were coming to me. I could see the scenes pass. I was just walking on the street. I could feel myself being grabbed and blindfolded.

"You don't have to continue if you don't want to." Josh offered me.

I shook my head. "No, I have to do this." I've been holding it in for so long. I needed someone to know my story. The full story.

"It was all so sudden. I could barely register what was happening in my mind. I was suddenly pulled by the arm into a dark alleyway. To make things worse, someone covered my eyes. I..I could remember every detail clearly." My voice started to crack. "He whispered in my ear, 'Just stay quiet.' It was the guy from earlier. He was much more drunk than he was before I left him. I didn't know what to do. I called for everyone, but I knew nobody was there. He held down. He was kissing me with his gross lips." There were tears coming out now. The memories of that night were pouring in. It felt as if I was reliving that moment. "He..ripped off my shirt. The kisses kept trailing down. He.."

"Please.." It was Josh. His eyebrows were scrunched. He was angry. He was mad at himself. There was no color to his fists.

I kept going, it was too late. "It was my pants, then my bra. I was crying the whole time. Eventually..he just left me there. There I was laying naked on the alley floor. I could barely move, but somehow I got myself home." He moved to comfort me, but knew he couldn't. I was upset. I wanted that comfort. I needed it. I needed to be in his arms for him to hug me, protect me, and give me those sweet words. I just couldn't push myself to though.

"I found out the next morning how scared I was of men. at first it was hard to be around Cory, Auggie, Lucas, Farkle, and Zay. I could barely be in a room with them. They were all shocked when I screamed out in horror. Riley and Topanga questioned me for hours, but eventually they gave up. I couldn't give them an answer about what happened. I didn't want to remember anything from that night. All I wanted to do was forget. I didn't want them to blame themselves either. They would surely think it was their fault for now keeping a closer eye on me. Then that night, I realized I couldn't stand the dark. Being in the dark reminded me of how dark it was for me. They eventually took me to the psychologist. The others don't know about my PTSD. I kept it a secret from them all this time. I only told them about my androphobia. Occasionally I blank out and remember that night. It happens mostly at lunch, that's why I barely eat. The others don't know this, but I occasionally still go to the psychologist. and now here I am."

His fists were much too tight. I almost wanted to loosen his hands. Instead I tried to take my paintbrush and loosen his grip. It didn't do much good, but it reminded him to let go.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was empty. He was blaming himself, just like how the others would have done.

"I couldn't. You were across the world living a dream. I didn't want to ruin something so amazing for you."

"Maya, something like that needs to be told. I care about you so much and yes I didn't know anything that was happening to you." His face scrunched up and his eyes were glazed. "If..if I was here, I could've stopped you. You wouldn't have gone to that stupid party and this would have never happened."

"Don't blame yourself. It was my fault." I was trying to lighten the guilt in his heart. My heart felt lighter now.

"I wish I was here for you." He looked at me with his sparkling blue eyes. They weren't smiling like before. There was regret and sadness in them.

"I hate everything that happened back then. I wish I could go back to stop myself from going to that party. I think about it every night. Every thought I have is laced with regret from that night. Josh, when you came back you gave me hope. I don't think about it as much. We made a promise and we're going to keep it. I'm trying to look to the future now. You may have not been there back then to stop it, but you're here now. You gave me that push and you're helping me get over it.

"Someday?" His angry face loosened up.

"Someday." I confirmed with a small smile.

We looked up towards the ruined mural. I looked over to him. How was I so lucky to have this boy? He met my eyes.

"What?" He raised a brow.

"You've got a lot of paint on your face." I laughed.

"You thought I was a canvas remember?" He admitted. "You've got paint too."

My hand flew to my face feeling for any dry paint. "Where?" I couldn't feel any.

"Here!" He lunged at me with a paintbrush in his hand. It was covered in purple paint, and soon my face was too.

"Bring it on!" I grabbed my brush and some paint. Our mural wasn't going to be fixed anytime soon.

"That's not fair!" I yell at Josh as he stood at a distance from me. His arms were much longer than mine.

"It's very fair!" He called out.

"Alright truce!" I call out. "We should clean this place up. It looks like a tornado filled with paint hit it.

"Fine." He put his weapon down.

I quickly grabbed the paint bucket, seemingly putting it aside. In reality I just needed it in my hand. "Just kidding!" I hope you don't like your clothes." I laughed as I dumped all the blue on him. Now this place really was a mess.

"Luckily, I don't. You might need to buy new ones though." He dumped the red bucket over my head.

"You suck!" I laughed loudly.

"So do you!" I couldn't stop laughing. The heavy atmosphere from earlier was killed.

We lay in the mess of paint. We didn't care if our clothes were going to be soaked with paint or ruined. It was already too late.

"You know Josh?" I turned to look at him.

"What?"

"I'm really glad you're my boing." I looked into his eyes, a smile playing on my face.

"And I'm glad you're my ferret." His eyes softened with his smile bigger than mine.

 **Here is an extra long chapter! I hope you enjoy!**


	8. Chapter 8

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

I stared up at the beautiful work of art on the wall. It wasn't specifically because I was that confident in my skills, although I was coming close to that, but because I had made it with Josh. Making the mural with Josh had amplified its beauty ten times more.

The mural had been up for a couple of weeks now. There was only a week left until Homecoming.

"I can't help but think how amazing this is every time I look at it," Riley stared at it in awe. If there was someone that loved my works more than me, it'd be Riley. "So which parts did Uncle Josh draw?"

I pointed out different parts of it. Her eyes lit up as she realized how talented her uncle actually was.

"I have something to say," the sparkle in Riley's eyes disappeared when she realized my expression had turned serious.

"What's wrong?" Her normally cheery expression turned serious.

"I've been trying to get this off my mind for a while now." I sighed heavily. Her breathe hitched.

"We're going to homecoming!" I happily announced to her as I cracked a grin.

She slowly processed what I had just said before breaking out into a grin. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it really tight. "Really?" I could see happiness glitter in her eyes.

I nodded, "Really."

She suddenly jumped and pulled me into a tight hug. "I love you!"

I have never been a fan of dances and after then I definitely didn't want to go to a dance. As much as I hated dances though, I loved Riley much more. I wanted her to enjoy her senior year with Lucas. I wasn't going to be the reason why she never got to go to her senior homecoming with him. I just had to be extra careful.

"Will you be okay though?" She pulled herself away from me.

"I will be, don't worry."

"I don't want you to go to this just because of me though." She knew me too well.

"I'm not. I'm doing this for me." I easily lied. It was for the best.

She looked at me skeptically before cracking into a smile.

"We're going to have the best time there." She excitedly said. I could see her brain already picking out both of our dresses.

"Alright Huckleberry, you're going to ask her to homecoming with a bang. The only thing that should top this is the other two dances this dreaded school has." I demand from him.

This was the last period of the day. Lucas and I had a free period. I normally went home to take a nap or just for the sake of being in the comfort of my home, but not today. Lucas always waited for Riley so he could take her home. I was using this chance to form a plan.

"It's got to be bigger than when Charlie Gardner asked her." I continued. He interrupted me by pulling out a bouquet of flowers from behind him.

"That's not going to-" Lucas pointed outside to show an unbalanced Yogi on a unicycle. "What about the ba-"

In the corner was a large amount of balloons. He then pointed up before I could say anything else. There was a banner hung up. He really did want to make sure he beat out Charlie from middle school. We had not gone to a dance since high school, so Lucas didn't have a chance to beat him out yet.

"There's one thing I'm missing." He trailed off.

"What is it?"

"I want you to sing."

"What?"

"I want you to sing as soon as she walks through the door. You have a great voice Maya. I know it's going to top that disco ball of his back then. She loves your singing." I thought about it for a while. Could I really do it? I rarely sang outside of my home. Riley loved to secretly listen to me sing.

I slowly nodded my head in agreement. He passed me a piece of paper with lyrics.

He left me there to practice as he went to change into a suit/

The bell rang to signal the end of school. I got ready to sing. It was from High School Musical 3, Can I Have this Dance. Riley loved Disney, so I knew she would love this.

As soon as Riley walked through that door, I began to sing.

"No way!" Her eyes lit up quickly as she watched Yogi ride by her.

"Riley Matthews, would you do the honor of going to homecoming with me?" Lucas handed the bouquet to her and the balloons. She was definitely struggling with the amount of balloons he got her.

"Yes! YES!" She nearly screamed at the top of her lungs. It was difficult for her to hug her boyfriend, but she somehow managed.

As I finished the song, I spotted the one and only Josh Matthews.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned as I walked over.

"I was hoping we could go somewhere." He smiled, showing her perfectly straight teeth.

"I'm not sure, I might have better plans" I teased.

"What better than hanging out with me?" He smirked, going along with me.

"Not hanging out with you." He rolled his eyes at my mean yet teasing personality.

I was a sarcastic person that wasn't afraid to throw insults, what can I say.

Riley and Lucas were stuck in their own world. I'm sure Yogi would tell them I went off with Josh.

"We're at central park." I looked up to see the trees blowing in the breeze and multiple kids running around while their parents sat on the bench to watch them.

He didn't answer me and just kept walking.

"What are we doing here?" I eventually passed him to take in the view again. I loved being in the park.

I never got an answer from him. Instead I got a huge splash of water on my back. I quickly turned around to see Josh chuckling. Of course there was a water balloon in his hand.

"What was that for?!" I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm making a splash in your day." He had a stupid grin on his face as if he had just told the best pun.

"Josh, that was terrible." I pointed out.

"No it wasn't!" He was laughing at his own joke now.

I dived for the bucket of water balloons that I barely noticed was beside him. I quickly throw one at him, except it didn't hit him but a bunch of kids nearby.

"Sorry!" Josh called out for me. "You need a better aim Maya."

I grabbed another one and threw it at him once more. It hit him spot on this time. "Do I suck now?" I stuck my tongue out.

It was a full on water balloon fight. We were two teenagers throwing water balloons in the middle of fall. It was quite cold today too. We were definitely going to be sick tomorrow.

We were soaking wet by the time we were out of balloons and energy.

"That was fun." I barely said under my heavy breathing. He nodded his head. The silence was comfortable as we caught our breathes. From what I could see, the sun was starting to set.

"I guess we should start heading home." I wring some more water from my hair.

"Wait there's one more thing." He turned to face me. His face turned serious. There wasn't a trace of a smile on him anymore. It was starting to scare me.

"What's wrong?" I scrunched my brows. I couldn't help but thing of the worst. Was he regretting his choice?

He started to kneel down and pulled out a black velvet box. What the hell was he doing?

"Josh? What are you doing?" The panic was rising in my voice. My eyes were bulging and I was panicking. It wasn't someday yet? We weren't even dating? I'm not even 18! I can't even hold his hands yet. This was to soon!

"Josh?" He wasn't answering me.

He slowly opened the box and once it cracked open his serious face was now grinning. My panic face was turned to a face of confusion.

"Those are headphones." I looked at him pointedly as he was not full on laughing.

"I really hate you right now." I admit but his laugh was contagious. I soon was holding back laughs.

"It was the best." He wouldn't stop laughing. I shoved him lightly in hopes he would stop.

"Maya Penelope Hart, will you allow me to be your date to homecoming?" He asked me earnestly as he stood up.

"Did Riley tell you?"

"Right after she told Lucas." I guessed as much. That's why Lucas knew to ask her today. I guess she wasn't expecting him to prepare fast enough.

"Why the headphones?" I couldn't put two and two together.

"The music at school dances really suck." I grinned up at his reasons.

"I'd love to Josh." If only I could hug him right now. I took a step farther and that was the best I could do.

"Don't worry, one day." Josh reassured me. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He looked at the box then me. I wasn't so sure if he was talking about my phobia or a marriage proposal anymore. Whatever he was referring to had a blush creeping up either way.

Maybe homecoming won't be so bad.

 **Do you guys watch Switched at Birth? If so, you might recognize this proposal. I absolutely loved it. Anyways, I hope you liked it.**


	9. Chapter 9

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

It wasn't everyday that Josh was caught staring or, even better, gawking. It was homecoming night. That meant hours of getting ready. It was such a hassle, I almost thought of bailing. It was worth it though.

There he was in a jet black blazer, white dress shirt, and black slacks. To say he looked amazing was an understatement. His tie was a midnight purple to match perfectly with my dress.

He had long forgotten about the box of corsages in his hand. He was too busy staring, which of course made a blush creep its way up to my cheeks.

I was wearing a scoop neck dress with three quarter sleeves. It hugged my curves perfectly and went up to my mid-thigh. There was glitter on the dress that made it sparkle as if they were stars in the sky. My makeup consisted of eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, a tint of blush, and a dab of lipstick. I had also gotten my eyebrows done. I know that I didn't really want to go to Homecoming, but since I'm going to go I might as well go big. I had to admit that I looked hot.

I giggled a little, breaking Josh out of his trance. He immediately rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. I turned to look at Riley, who of course had the largest smile ever. She was stuck in love with Lucas. She didn't think about anyone but him. I gave him that knowing smile. He too smiled back at me before putting his attention back on Riley.

"Are we going to do this?" I grinned up at Josh. He put up a boyish smile and took a step closer to me.

"We're going to leave first, I have to set up." Riley said to me. I barely nodded my head, not taking my eyes off of the man in front of me.

I felt the box the corsage was in before opening it. Inside were beautiful flowers, one glittered with purple and one with silver. The ribbon matched the colors of the glitter. His flower was a purple color too. I reached for the boutonniere to safely pin it on him. I had practiced so that I would not accidentally poke him, but my hands couldn't help but shake.

"Don't worry, I won't suddenly move if you accidentally poke me." He smiled to assure me. He still assured that we would not make any contact even if he got hurt. I was more worried for his pain, yet he was worried about my phobia.

He then reached for the corsage. He carefully placed it onto my wrist, expertly dodging any contact. He must have practiced a lot.

Our eyes had that sparkle. The sparkle that shows there's no other person. "Let's go.." I whispered.

We were in front of the gym within 10 minutes. Seeing the hallways decorated told me that it was absolutely beautiful inside.

Coming upon the door, any excitement I had disappeared in an instant. It was as if it had vanished into thin air.

I was staring at a dark gym. Suddenly things were dark everywhere. I took a few steps back, searching for something. All I could see was black. Where was Josh?

"Josh?" I searched frantically. I ran and ran but darkness just kept coming.

"Please where are you?!" Where was he? Why isn't there anyone here with me? How did I get here?

I suddenly felt myself caged up. The wall was to my back.

"Maya!" There was a voice. Who's voice is that?

"Please Maya, you're safe. I promise." Josh?

"I'm here to protect you." Things weren't black anymore. I felt the tears I didn't know I was letting fall start to stop.

"Josh.." His eyes were no longer sparkling. They were filled with worry and regret. Regret that he couldn't help me, that he let this happen to me. It wasn't his fault. It was my fault. Yet, I brought his suffering with me.

"I can't go to homecoming." I whispered as I stared at the floor.

"Then we don't have to go." He said understandingly. He stood up and pulled out that stupid pointer hand and extended it towards me. As weird as it will always be to me, I took it and walked "hand in hand" with Josh. We walked farther and farther from the gym in silence. He didn't ask any questions and I didn't say anything either.

Only the singing of Chainsmokers filled the car. Why did I have to ruin this night? It's always my fault. I'm holding Josh back. Tonight could have been a fun evening, or a relaxing one. Instead he was constantly worried about me. I doubt he ever worried about himself.

"I'm sorry." I finally broke the silence.

"Sorry for what?" His eyes didn't leave the road.

"I ruined our night."

He turned his head to look me in the eyes. There was a sparkle in them. He had a smirk resting on his lips. What was he planning?

"Our night's not over." Was all he said. He didn't clarify or anything.

I stared out the window, noticing that we were not heading home. We were heading somewhere else. Somewhere..familiar.

"Josh, are you taking me where I think you are." To say I was getting excited was an understatement. Any feelings of guilt left me.

"I was hoping you'd be surprised, but I guess a a couple of years won't make you forget" He chuckled.

The mood pulled up to a happy and anticipating one. It was no longer gloomy. Josh always knew how to make things better.

Eventually we arrived at what looked like a forest. We stepped out of the car and Josh grabbed something from the trunk: a blanket and basket. He had planned this whether or not we went to homecoming.

We walked deeper into the forest, eventually coming to a stop at a gazebo. Tonight the gazebo was decorated with fairy lights that led to the edge of a dock.

"It's beautiful Josh." I wish I could hold his hand. I wanted to feel his warmth again.

Josh put down the blanket and basket in the gazebo and we headed to the dock. Taking off our shoes, we stuck our feet into the lake in front of us.

"We haven't been here in years." The lake was sparkling from the remaining sun rays.

"That's why I wanted to come here."

 _I needed a new motif. With my hands full of art supplies I decided to go out of the city and to somewhere much more quiet._

 _I walked through the forest like park. I didn't know where I was going, but it felt right to cross through here._

 _I came up to a lake. It was sparkling and seemed like I ran forever. There was a dock straight ahead of where I was standing. It wasn't empty though. There was a shadow sitting there, their feet swishing through the water. It was what I was looking for._

 _I moved a few steps to the side and sat down to start painting. I could barely see who the shadow was, but the angle I sat at made the perfect picture._

 _Soon I finished the picture and I decided to go down to the lake. I didn't go to the dock, but I came close. The rustling of my feet must have been loud because the figure turned around._

 _"Maya?" That voice was familiar._

 _"Josh?" I moved towards him._

 _"What are you doing here?" He questioned._

 _I sat next to him, taking my shoes off in the process._

 _"I was doing some art. What are you doing so far from university?"_

 _He let out a loud sigh. What was wrong?_

 _"I was just taking a break."_

 _"What's wrong?" He was silent._

 _"It's just hard..harder than I thought."_

 _"Nothing's easy Josh. You know that. "_

 _"I know. I just..sometimes I want to give up."_

 _"You can do it. I know you can. You always push us so it's my turn to push you. Plus, you have to keep trying. How am I going to see you at. NYU if you're not there?" I held his hand and gave him a grin._

 _He gave me a small smile back. "I like it when you're around Ferret. You make me feel better."_

 _A blush crawled up my cheeks. "I like you around too Boing."_

"I really like you around Josh."

"You've told me that before."

"I'm telling you again. I really mean it, especially now more than ever."

"I get it Maya. I really like you around too." He chuckled.

"I'm serious."

"Me too."

I rolled my eyes. "Josh you're always here for me. You've been here for me since forever. Even before the ski lodge you walked me home from that stupid party I crashed."

He laughed at that memory of me breaking into college. "You helped Riley through everything with Lucas and herself. You helped me understand my feelings. You helped me grow up Josh."

"Yet..I wasn't there for you when you needed me most." He stared off to the lake, but he wasn't looking at the lake.

"How were you supposed to know? You were living your life." There was passion inside me. I couldn't stop it. Something came over me. I wasn't so scared anymore. The attack at the gym was long forgotten. It didn't seem so impossible anymore.

My hand reached for his slowly, but surely.

His eyes shot up from the lake to my eyes.

"You're here for me now and I really l-" I stopped myself before I could say something much too soon.

"Maya.." His mouth was curving into a smile.

"Josh..your hands are kind of warm." I laughed softly. I was proud of myself. Tears were threatening to fall because of how far I managed to progress.

"You're hands are kind of cold." He slightly chuckled. His thumb was rubbing the back of my hand. "I'm so proud of you."

"I'm proud of you too."

He lifted a brow. "For what?"

"For sticking with me through all this"

"Always." He squeezed my hand and gave me that heart warming smile.


	10. Chapter 10

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

I had a thousand miss calls from them. They don't know what happened that night. I didn't want to tell anyone. I avoided them the weekend that came after that. I knew they were worried sick about me, but I just didn't feel like talking. I wasn't in the mood to explain to them why I wasn't at homecoming or the events of that night. I especially didn't want to tell them about me and Josh.

I knew it was coming though. I'm in school and they've been giving me looks. They're dying to ask me why I didn't show up and why I was avoiding them.

The lunch bell rang signaling for the students to leave to the cafeteria or wherever they went for lunch.

I spoke before anyone at the lunch table could ask me anything. "I had an attack."

They all looked upset because they weren't there for me. "There's no reason for you guys to feel guilty for not being there for me. You guys didn't know. Josh was there with me when it happened, so it's okay. I wanted you guys to enjoy your night." I continued.

Riley grabbed a hold of my hand. "I'm sorry peaches."

"Just knowing you guys would worry about me is enough." I squeezed her hand. I didn't tell them about it. There was nothing more.

I gave out a yawn.

"You've been yawning a lot lately Maya." Farkle pointed out.

"Here have a sip of my coffee." Smackle passed me her iced coffee. I took a sip. It was just like how Smarkle loved it, with lots of milk and sugar. Something tells me her brain runs of 3 things: sugar, data, and Farkle.

"I've been sleeping later than usual lately."

"How come?" Riley tipped her head innocently.

"Just working on an art project. I can't seem to start it right so I'm just trying to get it how I want it to look." I easily lied. Over the years, I've gotten a lot better at lying.

They all nodded their heads before starting different conversations with each other.

I didn't feel like cooking dinner tonight so I headed to Riley's. I couldn't help but stare at my hand. We held hands. That was such a big step. I feel so proud of myself, yet why am I so scared? My hand could still feel the warmth from his. It was a fairytale, yet why is there so much doubt?

"Maya!" I snapped out of my daze to see Topanga.

"Yes?"

"Is this enough pasta for you tonight?" She held up a plate. I walked over to see pasta carbonara on the plate. It was one of my favorites.

"Definitely more" I smile up at her. She looks at me worriedly.

"Are you okay sweetie?"

"I am. I've just been sleeping late for this art project." I tell her the same lie that I told the others today. If she didn't believe it, she didn't show it.

She nodded her head and passed the plate over to me. Soon Riley came bounding in with a plate already set at her spot. From there it was a normal Matthew's dinner.

I couldn't sleep. I was sleeping over at Riley's. All I could do was stare up at the ceiling. As much as I wanted to toss and turn I couldn't, in fear of waking up Riley.

I just kept thinking about it. Ever since then, it's been eating at me little by little. Every time I thought about falling asleep the thought would come back to me. Then there in the corner I can feel darkness coming over. I didn't want my memory of this to turn bad.

I took a deep sigh and finally decided to get a glass of warm milk. Pasta tended to digest quickly for me so I was a little hungry. I headed to the kitchen, trying not to wake anyone else up in the house.

I opened the fridge to see that their milk was half empty. I pulled a glass from the cupboard before seeing a figure walk towards the kitchen. A fear started to overcome me before I saw the moon shine on her luscious hair.

"Topanga, why are you up?"

"I had the same idea as you. I wanted to get a nice glass of warm milk" She seemed a little too cheery for it to be the middle of the night.

She took a seat next to me on the dining table. "Or you were waiting for me because you knew that this would happen."

"You're intuitive as usual." I shrugged my shoulders.

We sat in silent minutes. It went on slowly.

Finally she started, "What's bothering you Maya?"

Should I tell her? Should I not? Topanga was like a second mother to me. I was able to rely on her when my mom was at work. She was the mother of my best friend and the wife of one of the greatest teachers ever. She was the smartest woman I knew, and she's met the world. Much, much more of the world than I have.

"I didn't tell anyone yet." I started off. She stayed quiet to let me keep going.

"I didn't go to homecoming last week. I was there at the door and suddenly memories of that night were trapping me. I felt the air go dark, the feeling come back. I was having an attack." She was still silent, but I knew she was listening intently. "Josh was there with me of course and he helped me through it. He calmed me down and took me somewhere. He took me to a dock that we used to go to. It's a little far from here, but it helped calm me down."

I could see the emotions in her eyes. She wished she could help me, but she was happy that Josh was there. She was happy that someone was helping.

"At the dock, we talked and reminisced. We had a good time. Then.." I paused and stared at my hand. The one that held my hand.

"I held his hand." I kept staring at it. I could a small gasp from Topanga. This is when she finally decided to speak.

"That's good! You made a good step Maya. Why is this so bad then?"

"It was a good step. I want to remember that moment forever, the moment I started going forward again."

"But"

"But what if I start going backwards again. Every time I sleep I keep getting this feeling of doubt and fear. I'm scared Josh is going to hurt me, or even worse I'll hurt him. I'm scared to feel like that time at that party. I'm finally moving forward, but what if I keep moving backwards?"

She gave me a loving smile. She scooted closer to me and pulled me into a hug. Only then did I realize I was crying.

"I know you're scared honey, but these What If's will do nothing but eat at you. What if you keep moving forward? What if you can finally forget what happened that night? What if this is the right choice? Did these ever occur to you? Moving backwards can only be caused by you. You're the only one that can control whether or not you want to move backwards. You're the one to decide what moves you forward and what moves you backwards. You can control what happens from here on. The only way you're going to move backwards is if you let yourself move backwards. Maya, don't let yourself move backwards. Move forward. You can do it, I know you can."

Was it really just me? Did I have full control of what could happen? Am I still moving forward?

I am. I can still move forward. I don't have to be moving backwards. I can move forward. I can go forward. I can go past this.

"Thank you Topanga, really."

"Now, finish your cup of milk and go to sleep. You need it." I started to head back to Riley's room when she spoke again. "And Maya?"

"Yea?"

"Please enjoy the fact that you finally got to hold hands with Josh because it's been so long. Savor it." She had a big smile on her face.

I couldn't help but smile with her. "I savor any moment I have with Uncle Boing."


	11. Chapter 11

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

Something was wrong. I didn't know what, but something was wrong.

That was the feeling I had this morning when I woke up. Why did I feel like something bad was going to happen?

It was the end of the school day by now and I still couldn't shake off the feeling.

I was barely walking out of my class when Riley suddenly ambushed me.

"Can you take me home today?" She didn't look particularly sad but she wasn't her cheery self.

"Are you okay?" I asked her anyways because anything other than a cheery Riley had something going on where she needed her best friend.

Riley looked around to check the empty hallway. She then turned her attention back to me, except she wasn't really looking at me. She seemed to be looking somewhere farther.

"What's wrong?" I stepped closer to her.

"I just..feel lonely." She silently admitted. It was low, but I could hear her loud and clear.

"What? Why?" I moved to give her a hug.

She pulled away. "Lately, you've been with Uncle Josh. I'm happy for you, but it just feels like we're getting further and further apart."

"Riles, don't feel that way. We are always going to be together. Josh may be important to me, but you're more important."

"Are you sure peaches?"

"I'm 1000% sure." I give her a reassuring smile. The distance was becoming larger between Riley and I and I didn't like it one bit. I just didn't know how to tell her about me and Josh. I didn't know how to bring it up, nor do I think I want to. I felt as if I just wanted to savor the moment.

I looked back at her and she was giving me a wide smile, but when I looked at her eyes, it wasn't as happy as her grin.

"Are you sure there's nothing else that's wrong?" I ask her again. Something was wrong.

"No there isn't! I just didn't want there to be a gap between us" This time she was giving me the hug. She was lying, but I didn't want to force it out of her. Maybe back then I would have, but after what happened I learned that it's difficult to talk about your problems. I was never ready to really talk about it until recently, so when others tried to force me to talk about it, I couldn't. Riley wasn't ready, and I wasn't going to force her.

"If you say so Riles." I return her hug, giving her a comforting rub on the back.

"Something's wrong Josh." I say to the boy laying down on the blanket next to me.

We were laying in the park after having a picnic. The sun was setting but we didn't care. I felt safer now, especially with Josh here. I knew he would could me safe. Just being near him kept me safe.

"What do you mean Maya?" He turned his head towards me. There was still quite a distance between us. I wasn't as afraid to hold his hands anymore, but I still wasn't comfortable. My fear has only gotten past the first stage. There was no such thing as hugging yet.

"I took Riley home today"

"What's wrong with that?" He asked in a confused tone. I guess that sounded like nothing would be wrong.

"Where was Lucas?" Lucas and I had made an agreement that I would take Riley to school while he took her home. That was our deal, so why didn't he take her home yesterday?

"Maybe he was busy? What's wrong with taking Riley home?" Josh still didn't understand, but then again he hadn't been with them as often as I have.

"Lucas is never too busy to take Riley home. During football season, Riley would study in the library so that they could go home together. So why was it that yesterday he didn't take her home?"

"You said she was feeling distant from you. Isn't that the reason why? She told Lucas that you were going to take her home so he went ahead without her."

"I thought that too Josh, but it's not like that. I've gone out with Riley sometimes after school and taken her home, but this time was different. Lucas always waits for Riley to leave with me, but he wasn't there yesterday. He was no where to be seen." Something was wrong, and Riley was afraid to tell me.

Josh was silent for a long time. "Remember that time you lost yourself?"

That was years ago, but yes I remember clearly. "You mean the time you confessed your love for me?" I teased him.

A blush was creeping up his face. He had that embarrassed look all over again. The same one where he told me he liked me and we started the long game. The one with the wide grin.

"Yes Maya that time. Just a little before that" He rubbed his face in embarrassment.

"I remember perfectly." Why was he bringing this up. I thought back to it. "No Josh, he doesn't."

"Are you sure?" He had a serious look.

"I'm sure." There were no jokes. We couldn't go back to that time. I didn't want to. It was too complicated and it was hurting Riley and I's friendship.

"Besides, it'd be impossible and he knows it. Everyone knows I like you way too much." I find his hand and intertwine it.

"I know, but it can't stop him and you know that." Deep down I do know that.

I move to sit up and so does he.

"I don't think that's it Josh. I think that it's something else. It has to be."

"I hope you're right Maya. I really do."

We started to stare silently at the sun setting. It was almost completely dark with just a hint of red and pink poking from the horizon.

Something was wrong, but I really hope that it isn't that. Anything but that.

Sorry for the short chapter, but I promise chapters will be longer!


	12. Chapter 12

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

"It's easy. All you have to do is calculate the angle you throw the ball plus the velocity and speed in which you roll it. You'll get a strike every time." Farkle explains as he throws the last ball of the game, which of course is a strike.

"It's another win for us sweetie" Smackle says coming up to give Farkle a big kiss on the cheek.

"This isn't fair" I call out. "You and Smackle have this game down to the science while Josh and I are just basing it on somewhat skill and mostly luck"

"But you've got Riley too" Farkle points to the girl sitting behind us. We turn our attention to her and she manages to take her attention off of the slice of cake in front of her to give us an awkward wave.

"She isn't even playing. She sat out for the sake of everyone's safety." When Riley bowled, that meant everyone else in the alley had to hide for safety. Her balls didn't just roll into the gutter, instead they were tossed into them.. 8 aisles down.

I wasn't sure where Lucas was, but Riley mentioned something about him visiting Texas. It was random since it wasn't even break yet, but I guess it was fairly close. There was only about 3 more days until Thanksgiving break.

"How about we switch up the teams?" Josh calmly suggested.

Immediately Smackle shot up her hand, "I call Boing!" I laughed at how Smackle was. Some things never change from freshman year.

"I guess we're a team Maya"

"I guess we are" I gave him a big grin and gave him a nudge. His eyes widened and so did mine. I quickly rose a finger to my lips telling him to keep quiet about it.

He was still shocked but nevertheless he kept quiet.

Farkle was going to come any minute now. After bowling we went to the arcade where Riley was able to play games with us and nobody was in danger. Then we were dropped off by Josh who had offered to drive us, despite all of us, except Riley, having our licenses.

After Josh had dropped me off, Farkle and I had planned to meet at a coffeeshop that was midway between our houses.

"Hey!" Farkle came up to me and quickly took a seat. I took the liberty of ordering him a drink because I already knew what he wanted and because the line was getting long. I passed his drink along to him.

"Thanks." He took a sip of his drink. He then studied me for quiet a bit before saying, "Spill." It was at that moment he spilled some of his drink too.

The tension was broken and we were laughing. "That wasn't intentional."

"I know, it was just funny that a coincidence like that would happen." I took a deep sigh. "I don't know where to start."

"Start with when you were able to casually touch guys again?" He wasn't mad at me for keeping it a secret. He was excited for me. It was then that I questioned why I was so scared to tell them. They were my friends.

"It started at homecoming.." From there I told him how I started to trust Josh more. I was able to hold his hands now. I told Farkle about my doubts and my talk with Topanga. The talk eventually led up to today. "I didn't know it until earlier, but now I'm not so afraid of casually touching guys. I'm assuming it's still small gestures but it's still a step."

"Maya I'm so proud of you, but why are you keeping it a secret?" He questioned. I saw this question coming.

"I was just scared. I've been scared of a lot of things lately, but I'm trying to change that." I smile at him.

"I'm really glad you are" He too gave me a smile. It was just like old times. Farkle and I talked as if nothing had changed. After the incident we didn't talk as often anymore. I couldn't handle it. We didn't have one on one conversations. Our friendship had taken its toll because of me. Not only Farkle though, but Lucas and Zay too. I wasn't going to let that happen anymore.

After getting home, all I could think about how I was progressing. I don't know how Josh does it but he really is working his magic. My phone buzzes on my bedside table and speaking of the devil its Josh.

"Hey" I smile widely even though he couldn't see me.

"Hey there." His deep voice breathed out. "I was wondering.." There was a long pause.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to come over tomorrow?"

"Josh Matthews is inviting me to his apartment? Don't you think we're going too fast?" I joke around.

"Haha very funny. You've been here before." I can just imagine him rolling his eyes.

"Yea but there was a long pause, you've got something planned."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Just come tomorrow? 10 AM?"

"Hmmmm." I continue to play around.

"Maya Hart, please?"

"Fine. See you at 10 AM boing."

"Bye beautiful." The blush crept to my cheeks.

"Bye handsome" I say before quickly hanging up and having him make me embarrass myself more than I already am.

10 AM and I was in front of Josh Matthews apartment. I was dressed in a red fuzzy long sleeve along with simple black leggings and black and white high tops. I woke up to texts telling me that plans have changed and we were going out first and to dress warm, which was crazy as it was blazing hot today.

The door opened before I could knock on it.

"Lets go!" He said excitedly before quickly closing the door. I didn't even get a glance of his couch before he closed it. Something was up.

"Where exactly are we going?" I inquire.

"ICE SKATING!" Quite honestly, I've never heard Josh so excited. Who knew he was such an avid fan of ice skating.

We got to the skate rink and as I stepped in, of course I slipped. My butt hit the cold ice. I then hear a deep chuckle next to me.

I playfully glared up at him. "Stop laughing and help me up."

"I think you're really working the ice down there though." I rolled my eyes at him before he gave one last laugh and helped me up.

We kept on holding hands the entire time. Circle after circle. It was quiet. We were just skating in our own world. That's what Josh did to me. He took me to a whole knew world.

"Lets go faster!" I suggested. I wasn't a good skater but Josh was and I'm sure he would balance us.

So we went faster. And faster. Everything was a blur but I loved the. The cold rink gave a nice breeze the faster we went. Suddenly a little kid skated in front of us.

"Josh!"

"Shit."

We swerved and hit hard onto the wall. Everyone was staring at us. I didn't feel any pain though.

I had landed in front of Josh, meaning he took the shock. He used his free hand to rub the back of his head.

"Josh are you okay?" I asked him, instinctively putting my hand behind his head too.

"Maya.." He was somewhat amazed, but dazed. Dazed of course from the possible ringing in his head.

"What?"

"Maya." A grin started to get wider. That's when I realized I was hugging Josh. I was hugging him. I wasn't shocked, but I was comfortable. I looked up at him and he looked back at me.

"Thank you so much." I gave him a soft smile. I was too entranced by his eyes, by his scent. Just him being here. My eyes went from his to his lips.

As hard and impossible as it seemed, I managed to tip toe in ice skates. I could hear his breathing stop. I could feel his heart starting to beat faster. Mine was about to beat out of my chest.

Eventually, our lips touched. I wasn't scared nor was I shocked. I was happy. This is what I wanted. I wanted this so much. It was everything I was hoping for. It was everything I thought it was.

Josh eventually got over his shock and returned the kiss. It was sweet. It was nothing like the last one I had. It was perfect.

"Wow." Was all he had said. I slowly nodded.

"Maybe we should head back." I whispered. It was his turn to nod his head.

By the time we got back to Josh's appointment the sun was setting.

Inside his apartment, it had changed. It was dark. Except for a spotlight on the dinner table that was set for two.

"How did you?"

"My roommate came back and helped me. He said he'd leave alone time for us."

"It was really nice of him to do this. And nice of you to think of this." He grabbed my hand and led me to the table.

We ate, we talked, we joked. There was this wall that just felt like it had crumbled. We were more open with each other now.

We were heading to the couch to watch a movie when the door opened.

"Hey! I didn't know you were still on your date, I'll just go back out" A dark figure of a man said from the door.

"No, it's okay! We were just going to watch a movie. Oh right, Will this is Maya. Maya, this is my roommate Willis. Will for short."

The figure stepped out and I could now see his face.

Yet, everything was still black.


	13. Chapter 13

**READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.**

 **Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.**

 **I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.**

 **I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.**

The setting sun was shining on me when he moved out of the doorway, yet it still seemed so dark. It was warm, yet it was so cold. I knew I was safe, yet I was so scared.

Without a word, I got up and left. I was in a daze. I heard Josh call my name. I heard him ask where I was going but I couldn't wrap any words in my mind let alone to come out of my mouth.

I sat there on my bed for hours. Suddenly the sun was rising. Was I up all night? It felt longer than that. It felt like I had relived that night for eternity. There was a knock on my front door. As I moved to open I then heard a male voice. A male voice was a male voice. I had a good idea who it was but my body stopped moving. Suddenly I was back on the bed in the dark. The knocking kept going, but it made it worse. It meant no hard, but it made everything ten times worse.

Eventually the knocking stopped, but I knew they were still there. I could just feel it. I don't know how long passed before there was another knock. It wasn't the same as before though. It was much lighter and gentler.

"Maya, it's me." A soft, sweet voice came through.

It was Riley.

"Just you?" There was a pause.

"Yes just me."

I walked myself to the door to open it. I had my complete trust in Riley. When she said it was just her, I believed her.

There she was, just her. Nobody else was in sight. There she had a bag full of groceries clutched tightly in her hands. She gives me a wide smile before walking through my doorway without even asking if she could come in.

That's what happens when you've been best friends for so long.

"I know why you're here." Josh must have called her. There's no other reason.

She turned around and innocently raised a brow, "Do you really?"

"Yea of course-"

"I'm here to make brownies with you. I've been craving for weeks. I decided today was the day we were gonna make them."

"What?" Did she really not know?

"Yea, so get your butt over here because I really want those brownies"

I didn't know if she knew or not. If she did, then she knew how to get my mind off of it.

Our brownies definitely weren't the best. They were much too dense and way too sticky, yet I loved it. I loved how it took us forever to make it. It was way past lunch by the time we finished it. Those brownies were our lunch.

We were covered in powder and my kitchen was an absolute mess. There was definitely a flour war somewhere between the process.

"Thanks Riles." We were sitting on the kitchen floor eating on our brownies.

"Thanks for what?" Riley tried to play off.

"The distraction. You're not just here to bake brownies." I say in a matter-of-fact tone.

She then gives me sad eyes and pulls me closer to her side.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

My sigh started to get dark, but I could still see the light that Riley brought to my life. "You can't tell him."

"Who?"

"Josh. You can't say a word. Riles. You and Farkle will be the only ones that ever know."

"Farkle?"

"You and him have been with me since forever. He may be a man and I may have been scared of him before but I know I could trust him. I've always known, but not my mind and heart can both trust him. He's like you, bringing light into my life. Just not as goofy as you." I laugh a little just thinking about him. Suddenly my mind wandered back to yesterday.

"It was him. I saw him."

"Who did you see?" She asked quietly but I knew she knew. We were both scared that I was going to say who it was.

"From the party. He's.." There was a long silence. "...he's Josh's roommate."

Nothing was heard in our room. It was as if my cheap, thin walls that could hear almost everything from everywhere were as thick as a brick wall. Nothing could be heard. It was silent.

"You have to.."

"I'm not going to and you're not going to either." I look her dead in the eye. My eyes were becoming foggy and she knew it.

"Oh peaches." She pulled me into a tight hug and there I broke. I broke like no other. I didn't cry that night. No, I was too empty to.

As I started to calm down, there was a loud urgent knock to my door. My heart started to quicken, but then I heard the voice behind the door.

"Maya." The knock was urgent, but the voice was calm. It was Farkle.

Riley looked at me asking if she should let him in and I silently nodded.

Farkle came in to see me all red and botchy. Instead of giving me pitiful eyes, he gave me a grin.

"Why are you smiling like that" His smile was contagious, I couldn't help but smile too.

"The strong and mighty Maya is a mess."

"I haven't been strong since the summer." I tell him.

"No, you have always been strong. I don't know what has happened but you have always been the strong Maya I've known, since the day we met."

We caught Farkle up. It was terrifying to say it all over again, yet it wasn't as bad. I didn't burst into tears this time. Everything was still dark, but now I had two balls of light next to me.

"Farkle's right Maya. You are strong. You were back then and you are now."

"But I'm still scared. Other than Farkle, I can barely talk to any guy."

"You are so much stronger than that. You've gotten so far, so don't let this push you back." He was right I wasn't just at the beginning of the marathon, I was in the middle. It would seriously suck to run it again.

"Maya. Push forward. We've learned enough to know that this is our world and we control it. So control it." Riley pushed a hair behind my ear.

"You guys are right. I will control it. But what if I can't?"

"You can and you will. You held Josh's hand, hugged him, seriously you can do it." Farkle said. That's when I froze. Then he froze. And then there was Riley.

"WHAT?" She had no idea, I didn't tell her.

"I guess I should tell you this too.." I start. "I kind of...kissed him?" I said with a cheeky smile.

"WHAT?" That was from both of them now.

Let's just say it wasn't such a bad moment, and I had almost forgotten who I saw.


	14. Chapter 14

It was as if Lucas had disappeared off the planet. It was the last day of Thanksgiving Break and he still hasn't made an appearance. Every time someone asked Riley about it, she was vague about it. Zay hasn't really been hanging around us either so it was hard to see what was really up. I had a good feeling what had happened, but I wanted to wait for her to tell me. She needed to be ready first.

Thanksgiving break had mostly been Riley, Farkle, Smackle, and me. We celebrated at the Matthews as usual. I skyped with my mom and Shawn. They were in London right now.

And right now I'm in a local coffee shop. It was only 5 minutes away from my house. I finally got my drink that I was waiting for.

Ever since the summer, I've always been aware of all my surroundings. I didn't want to be caught off guard again. I never wanted to be put in that situation again. I didn't walk while texting anymore, I never walked with my headphones blasted on high anymore, and I always paid full attention to who was walking by.

Today was no different. It was only a 5 minute walk, but 5 minutes can make a big difference.

I was almost near my house when I saw a familiar head of blonde passing by. I quickly turned my head to see that my guess was right. It was Lucas. He knew I was there, he was rushing past me. He was trying to avoid eye contact but of course he had to glance back and that's when our eyes locked.

He sighed and turned around, knowing that it was too late to pretend he didn't see me. There was this sense of fear in me. It was still the effect of seeing _him_ last time. I definitely did not revert back to before, but it was still scary. Lucas didn't really know of my progress either. He stopped a good distance away from me. Over the break I thought constantly about my phobia. It wasn't completely gone, but it wasn't affecting me heavily anymore. I did occasionally get scared or felt this impending doom type of feeling sometimes but I could now walk on the streets. I wasn't going to just let the sight of him get in my way. Yet, there was still a part of me that felt deeply afraid. It was like I was pushing it down to keep it from affecting me. It was working and hopefully it stayed down there, but that was something I won't know until it happens.

I motioned my head to the steps of my own house. It was only a few more steps so I knew we wouldn't have to go through this strange silence of walking. It felt as if Lucas wasn't Lucas anymore. He seemed distant. He wasn't the Huckleberry I met in middle school.

We sat on the steps, closer than I assumed he expected. "Where've you been Lucas?"

"I was in Texas.." He said vaguely.

"Zay too?" I simply asked.

"Yea." This wasn't like him. He used to always have something to say. That's what made him a little bit like Riley, other than the obvious fact that they'd do anything for their friends.

Should I wait for him to just tell me? Or should I just pretend I have no clue?

I sighed, "Did you two break up?" It was a question that I already knew the answer to, but I wanted us to still be friends after this. I didn't want a rift between our group. We've gone through 3 years of high school as friends and we were almost done with our last year. Just kidding no we're not, we're barely doing college applications but it was still the idea that we were almost going to college.

There was a look of guilt in his eyes. It also seemed like he was hiding something. All he did was look down. There was no answer, but that was my answer.

"I want us to still be friends. We were all friends before you guys became a couple." He was biting his lips and clenching his fists. "So, don't be distant from us. We're still your friends." I give him a pat on the back. He swiveled his head up to look at me in shock. I give him a small smile.

"I know, I'm getting better"

He gives me his all too familiar smile, "I'm happy for you"

It didn't look like it was the complete truth.

It was late at night when my phone rang.

"Peaches?" I was waiting for this, but I wish it wasn't at this time of night. It was almost midnight.

"You know I can't come to you Riles.." I regretted that I couldn't come to her in her time of need.

"I know.." She said quietly. "That's why I came to you.." I quickly bolted up from the bed and to the door. I swiftly pulled the door open to see a slightly sad Riley. She wasn't super upset, she's had a few days to overcome that stage. Now, she was just upset. That feeling you get when you try to think what went wrong. That feeling you have of why did everything happen? The upset feeling that stays with you until you finally forget to worry about it.

We moved to my house's version of the bay window. It wasn't as fancy or cool, but it did come with bean bags.

There was a silence after we got comfortable. I wouldn't say the silence itself was comfortable, but it wasn't terribly awkward either.

She didn't beat around the bush like she probably would have back in middle school. She just jumped straight to the topic.

"We broke up." I nodded my head, letting her know I was listening. She took this as a sign to continue.

"It wasn't heartbreaking." What?

"I guess I'm here because...because why am I not more upset?" She asked me curiously, as if I'd know the answer.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean.. I'm not upset about it? It's hard to explain. It's like I thought I'd be more heartbroken and more sad and distanced. I thought I'd cry my eyes, but I didn't? It was kind of like I'm unhappy that it's happened, but its not the worst thing in the world." She tried to explain. I kind of saw where this was going.

"Riles, how did you feel when you were breaking up with him? What were you thinking?" I felt like a psychologist.

"I felt like- oh." She realized. "You're getting good. Well you were good before, but now you're better than good."

"I have been hanging out with someone who has a minor in psychology."

She gave me a smile that told me she was happy for me. "I can't believe you're going to be my aunt."

"Stop. Back to you now." Heat creeped up.

"I see you blushing, but okay, just because I feel like I need to get this out." She gave a big, dramatic sigh.

"I felt like it was going to happen. I knew it was coming. I was waiting for it to come. We didn't like each other like we used to anymore. The feelings were real, but they grew apart. We grew up. Our feelings weren't as strong as they used to be. I'm not upset because I wanted this to happen. I didn't specifically know I wanted this, but I've been feeling it. My love for Lucas Friar just wasn't there anymore. Lucas Friar was my first love, but not my current love."

I smiled and gave her a hug. "I'm glad that you got it out. I'm happy that you're not crying and moping over this. I would be here for you if you were, but I'm glad you aren't. Wait, what do you mean current love?" I raised a brow. Did she like someone else?

"No peaches, I don't like anyone. You're the one who understands poetic speeches more, you should know this"

"Hey, sometimes you're better than me at all this emotion stuff. You know that" I laugh. She joins in with me.

"Don't worry, if I do like someone, you'll be the first I tell."

"You better" We continued to laugh. Suddenly, the smile faded off her face.

"What's wrong?" I ask worriedly.

"There is something though. You might suspect this though." She said in a serious tone. "We broke up because he really likes you Maya. Lucas likes you so much you can almost call it love."

Josh suspected it, and I did too. I just hoped it wasn't true. Just great.


	15. Chapter 15

"Fine, you were right." I tell Josh as we lay in the grass. This was starting to become a habit of ours. There was something about laying on the grass with Josh. I felt at peace. I felt safe. I felt happy.

"Right about what?"

"Lucas." Josh and I had an open relationship. We told each other everything. Well almost everything. I didn't want to tell Josh that his roommate was my rapist. How could I just tell him something like that. That the person he was living with did that to me. I could barely get the words out to Riley and Farkle. I implied it and that was as far as I could get. Instead I lied through my teeth. I told him it reminded me of that night. The shadows and all were still affecting me. I hated lying to him, but this was something I just couldn't say.

He gave a heavy sigh. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing." He sat up.

"Nothing?"

"Nothing. I'm just going to pretend I don't know anything." I too sat up.

He said nothing. He bit his lip, making him look incredibly hot but also like he was hiding something. I decided not to question it.

"Don't worry." I gave him a reassuring smile, moving my hand to his face.

He moved closer giving me a sweet kiss. Of course I reciprocated. I've moved past the whole touching thing after remembering how great it was to kiss the guy you like. Maybe it was only with Josh though. I wasn't going to go around testing it out though.

"So what are you going to do?" Riley whispered to me in class. This question sounded familiar.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" Riley raised a brow. The Matthews were really similar.

"I'm just going to ignore it."

"That's not a good idea." She stated.

I raised a brow at her. "Why not?"

She started to doodle in her notebook as the teacher decided we could have free time since her lecture was done.

"Well, your idea of ignore it includes ignoring the person."

"What?" I give a small disbelieving laugh. "It does not."

"It does."

"Riles, you're thinking of it too much. Don't worry about it."

She shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever you say peaches." She did not believe me one bit.

The bell rang signaling for the next class. Lucas, Smackle, and Farkle were in my class.

"Start pairing up, we're doing a lab today. Well, you guys should already know that I've been talking about it." The teacher at the front said.

Okay so I was normally Lucas' partner, but today I wanted to be Farkle's partner. I asked Smackle if I could and of course she let me. She loved to mess around with Lucas while trying to make Farkle jealous. Smackle didn't know it, but Farkle did get jealous. He knew they were just friends though. Plus he knew about Lucas' feelings for me.

"This isn't a good idea Maya" Farkle told me as we did our lab. Well he did the lab. I was never a big fan of science, and I'm still not.

"You and Riley need to stop worrying. I'm not ignoring him. I just wanted to work with you today."

"Mhm sure. You're not even working." I rolled my eyes at him and started to help him. He didn't me one bit either.

Okay so maybe the girls restroom next to Lucas' locker was closer, but the restroom in the library was the cleanest.

Okay, so I barely believed me. I don't know how to act around him. It was like those days in middle school and freshman year. I didn't want there to be awkward silences. I don't know how I'd respond.

The last bell rang. Riley said I could go ahead of her. She mumbled something about going to the library for a book before running off. I didn't even get to say bye.

Let's just say Riley and Farkle was right. It was a bad idea. I was now being called pinned against the front gate. Well not pinned, more like surrounded.

The guy in front of me was very out of breathe.

"Did..I do...something...wrong?" Lucas breathed out. He then spaced himself a little further from me when he saw my eyes get wide. So the feeling was a little similar to that night. I may have been a little scared. Or a lot. Lucas is my friend, he would never do that to me. Even though he saw me as more than a friend, but he was a good guy. I could feel my chest beating faster. Even though my mind knew that, my heart was still scared.

"You didn't do anything." I quietly said. I turned my gaze to the floor.

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not" I simply shrug, not looking him in the eye.

"Maya, you know that you are. Everyone knows that you are"

"Okay fine, its because I know." I said it. Straight out. What could I do? Lucas was one of my best friends. I couldn't just keep ignoring him.

He took another step back.

"Was it that obvious?" He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Well.. no?" I try to save his pride.

He chucked a little. "So it was."

"Just a little" I give him a small cheeky smile.

"So you didn't know how to act." He stated. It definitely was not a question.

I silently nod.

"You're ridiculous. My feelings aren't something to be worried about. I know you're playing the long game. Just act like you always do."

"But won't you.."

"I won't. Just act like old times. Pour a smoothie on me. Call me huckleberry. Just act like usual. These feelings will pass don't worry."

I laughed when he mentioned the smoothie. Lucas was always the nice guy. "You definitely don't need to bring up those days." I playfully roll my eyes.

"Th-" Suddenly a strong force was pulling me by the hand. Connected to that hand was the one and only NYU student. I quickly turned back to Lucas and mouthed, 'thank you'. There was a look of hurt. I tried to ignore the feeling.

I then turned my attention back to the slightly angry college student. Why was he so angry? Why was he dragging me? We were a good block away when he stopped pulling me. That was enough time for me to get angry. The more he dragged me, the more I felt myself get angry. What gave him the right to just pull me away? Didn't he know that I was still affected and that things could trigger me? Given, this was not one of those things, but still. I didn't want to sound like a brat and pull the victim card but I needed that. Most of all, Lucas needed that.

I harshly pulled my hand away from his grip. "Why did you do that?"

Silence. I tapped my foot on the cement impatiently. Josh wasn't looking me in the eyes. I rolled my eyes and started to turn back to the school.

"Wait." He said. I waited. Silence.

"Look, Josh. You can't just pull me away from conversations. That's just rude. Don't you know that for me that it's also the worst feeling in the world. Any male that uses that much force against me scares me. It can trigger me." I glared up at him. I took a big sigh. "Luckily it was you and that I knew it was you. I trust you the most right now. Please..Just don't break that trust."

I was about to once again turn when, "I was jealous okay."

Did I hear that right? "What?" I quickly turned to look at him. His face was a deep red.

"I was jealous." He said this time in a much calmer voice.

"Joshua Matthews? Jealous?" My anger wasn't there anymore. It was replaced with amusement.

"Look, I was worried about Lucas. You already knew that. You said you weren't going to do anything about it and I believed that. It's just, I was walking towards your school cause my class got cancelled today and I thought we could go on a date or something. When I saw you guys at the gate being so friendly..I just pulled you away. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." He was rubbing his neck from embarrassment.

"I just can't believe that Josh Matthews was jealous." I said in an amused tone.

"I just didn't want to lose you to him like how I almost did 3 years ago." Ah he was referring to when I was lost.

I gave Josh a sweet hug. "You won't lose me. I'm all about you. Always have been."

"I'm all about you too." He gave me a small kiss on the forehead.

I pulled away slightly and looked him dead in the eyes, "Just don't pull that again. I really hate it. It reminds me of..you get it."

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

I've always wanted to see jealous Josh. I'm glad that I did. I loved our relationship. How did I end up with a guy so amazing?


	16. Chapter 16

I am starting to run out of excuses to not go to NYU, let alone Josh's apartment. By that I mean I don't want to visit. I did, however, apply for their arts program. I'm just about done with my personal statement and portfolio. I was also applying to USC, UPenn, CIoA, and Brown. When I was in middle school, I would've scoffed at my school choices. I would've thought that there was no way I could have the motivation to apply, let alone get in. Now that I'm almost done with high school, I've tried hard and I could see myself possibly getting in. It was possible for me. I didn't do all that hard work for nothing.

I strayed off topic but I mean college is really important to me. My mom and Shawn want me to go, so I'm determined to go. Well, I also want to see if I'm good enough to get into these colleges.

Back to the point, yesterday I told Josh that I was doing an art project for the millionth time. He's determined to see it now, but it was no where complete. It was true I had a project I was doing, but I hadn't touched it in a while. Almost since homecoming. I had a vision that I completed part way, but things have changed. It wasn't like that anymore. I was going to change it a little. I didn't want anyone to see it.

I wanted to ask Riley for advice but her phone has been off. She mumbled something about losing it. The Matthews believed that she should get herself a new phone instead of them buying it. It was to teach her something about responsibility or something. I guess it's more that Riley doesn't have a phone and can't answer, which totally sucks.

I stopped staring at my incomplete painting and picked up my cell phone. I'd been rejecting Josh's dates so often lately, I decided it's my turn to plan something cute and romantic. It was always him planning something.

"Hello?"

"I'm clearing all your plans"

"What?" He chuckled at the fact that I was not going to greet him let alone ask him to go out.

"We're going out. Dress comfortably with shoes and come over when you're done. I'm driving." I didn't wait for his response and hung up. I take longer to get ready than him, I needed the head start.

I quickly rushed my shower and dried my hair. I did my makeup, making it light as I only used foundation, eyebrows, eyeliner, and mascara.

I wore a pair of spandex and a loose black tank. As I was putting on my NMDs the door knocked. I quickly pushed my foot into the shoe and opened the door.

"Perfect timing. Can you grab 2 water bottles?"

"Where are we going?" He asked as he grabbed to water bottles in the corner of the kitchen.

"I'm sure you can guess." Josh was wearing a simple blue tshirt and black sweats. I guess that was good enough.

"Hiking?" He asked as he looked over my outfit and the backpack over the dinner table.

"Ding ding ding" I say to him as I grab my backpack. It was almost empty but I was going to put my keys and a few supplies in there. I also had an extra backpack in the trunk for Josh. "Go to the car and get the backpack from the trunk. Put the water bottles in there and wait in the car." I toss him the keys as he just shrugs and walks out the door.

I quickly grab the rest of the supplies and eventually meet him at my car. I swing into the driver's seat and immediately, we are off.

"So which hiking spot?"

"You'll see." I smile.

"I feel like you're picking up my date manners."

"You mean with all the surprises?" I see him nod from the corner of my eye. "You're right."

"I love a good surprise." We both do.

Soon we were at the hiking spot. It was actually a very common spot for hiking. There was also a nice waterfall to hike up to. Most people would play in the water at the bottom of it.

"We've been here before with Cory and them." Josh says as he gets out of the car.

"You're right." I simply say. This wasn't the surprise obviously.

With that we hiked up. I have always loved nature. It was the most beautiful and natural piece of art there could ever be. There was nothing that could be the views, nothing that could beat the feeling.

"Are we going into the water? Our feet are already wet" He chuckled a little at the memory. Let's just say I fell into the water a few times and Josh got his feet wet to help me up. What a nice boyfriend. Is he my boyfriend? What exactly was our status now that I thought about it?

Weren't we still playing the long game?

I pushed the thought out of my head. "Definitely"

I pushed off my shoes and stuffed my socks into my backpack. Quickly, I jumped into the water and splashed Josh.

"Hey!" I simply stuck my tongue out at him.

It was a splash war. I felt sorry for anyone who was nearby us. We were basically drenched by the time we were done. This was mainly due to the fact that I slipped and fell on my butt. After Josh laughed at me for what felt like eternity he finally offered his hand. Of course I wasn't going to just let him off for laughing at me, so I used all my strength to pull him down. I thanked whatever entity out there for letting me strong enough. Josh definitely wasn't laughing anymore. Instead he tackled me making my hair wait. We were just being a bunch of stupid teenager. Well, Josh was a young adult now but he still acted like a teenager sometimes.

With my back and hair now soaking wet I was just laying there in the water. I was definitely going to get sick. Josh was sitting by me as he essentially "caged" me to the water. He was just staring at me with a stupid (but cute) smile.

"What?" I asked.

"I just like looking at you." His smile was bigger than before. I couldn't help thinking what we were though?

"I know I'm just so beautiful" I would flick my hair but I am still floating in water.

"You are" I blushed.

"I was just joking Josh"

"I'm not." He was saying it with a straight face. There wasn't even a trace of red.

"Well, the perfect match for someone beautiful is someone handsome."

"Good thing you have me then huh" He smirked. Before I could even answer, he quickly dipped down to give me one of his sweet pecks.

It was absolutely perfect, as usual. Yet, were we at the point where we could just kiss like normal with no questions at all?

I snapped out of thought when there were loud awe's. That's when I realized we were still in public. We were just showing major PDA.

I quickly sat up and rubbed the back of my neck. I didn't know how to do away with this embarrassment. Josh next to me looked extremely proud, yet his face was also red.

After that embarrassing moment of PDA, Josh and I took a few pictures and finally decided it was time to leave.

Except, I didn't want to leave just yet.

Midway on the path back I stopped Josh.

"Let's take a detour Josh." I grab his hand.

"Wait wha-" I pull him before he could even question me.

"Maya this is off the path? There's no such thing as a detour on a hike!" He asked in a sort of panic as his eyes darted back and forth.

"In my book there is."

"In the legal book there isn't. We are going to get in trouble."

"Oh come on Josh. Since when was I ever on the legal side?"

"I've missed your wild side." Finally he was on board with me. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to convince him.

"It's going to take us a while to get there so we have to hurry." I was trying to beat the sunset.

"Where are we going?"

"The best place ever." I grinned back at him before turning my attention back to where we were going.

Finally, we were here.

"This seems a little dangerous." Okay, so we were on top of a large mountain.

"Just don't fall and you're good." He rolled his eyes at me.

"Then it'll definitely be dangerous for you. You keep slipping."

"Don't worry, I know you'll catch me. Or at least fall with me trying to." I laugh.

"You have too much faith in me."

"Should I not?" I lifted my brow at him.

"You should."

"Exactly." I start to pull out a blanket from my backpack. Then I drop some snack onto the blanket along with setting down a thermos.

"You were carrying all that?" He looked at my backpack and the stuff on the ground. "You should've let me carry it."

"I was scared you'd look in it and see what I was planning." I shrugged as I sat on the ground. I patted the spot next to me. Josh took the seat.

"So you planned this?" He gestured to the view in front of us.

"Yes. Let's call it the extreme sunset watch."

"What a lame name. The view however, is absolutely beautiful."

We sat in silence as we watched the sun start to set.

"I love this." He said absentmindedly.

"Me too." I lean my head on his shoulder." We ate the snack that we brought and the tea that I also brought. I liked tea and so did he, so why not.

I also really love him, but what were we? Were we dating? Were we more than that? Or are we just friends who kiss and hug and go on dates. Were we still playing the long game?

These questions just swirled in my head and I couldn't get it out all day. I didn't want to ruin the mood but, "Josh?"

"Hm?" He was staring straight at the sky, hardly taking his attention off of the beautiful view.

"What exactly are we?" I look at his eyes. They were shocked and confused.

"What?"

"I don't know what we are" I pull my head away from his shoulder.

"Friends." He simply said.

"What?" He just said friends. Friends.


	17. Chapter 17

He seriously just said friends. I mean I knew that was a possible answer but I didn't think that would actually be his answer. Do friends hug and hold hands? Do they kiss? I think the hell not Mr. Matthews.

Although this anger was growing inside of me, I held it in and tried to ask as calmly as possible, "What?"

"I mean we're friends.." He sounded unsure. He better sound unsure.

"How is that even possible." I distanced myself from him. It wasn't even a question anymore. My tone sounded dead.

Silence. No answer whatsoever. Let's just say my patience was running low.

"I know I asked the question and ruined the mood and all but I really hope you know your way back." I immediately just picked up most of my stuff and left.

Because really, what the fuck do you mean just friends. Friends do not kiss, they don't hug and cuddle. Friends do not go on dates and flirt with each other.

I laid in bed for the rest of the day. I wasn't particularly angry anymore. Well, I was but maybe I shouldn't have left him there. What if he got lost? That was highly unlikely since Josh had a great sense of direction and had a pretty good memory too.

I was still thinking about 'Friends' when I heard a knock on my door. Who was coming over now? I had a good idea though. There were only two options really.

"MAYA HART! OPEN UP THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" There it was. The first person I thought of on who would be knocking on the door.

I opened the door to see a slightly angry but also very red Riley.

"Why are you so red Riles?" I raised a brow.

There was quite a pause. Did the Matthews have a thing for pausing before answering questions? it's been happening so often lately.

"I'll tell you but just let me in first!" Why was she so excited? I wasn't even sure if she was excited. She sounded like she was pissed but also super happy and peppy. I haven't seen Riley often lately. I'm sad that it was weird for me to see this sight from her. She's done it many times before too.

Nevertheless, I widened the door gap and let her in. She bounced, or stomped?, in. I had no idea. I think she is seriously channeling two emotions right now.

She then just plopped down onto my bed and stared at me. I did nothing nor did I say anything.

Finally words came out of my mouth, "Are you going to say anything or just stare at me while expressing two totally different emotions."

She rolled her eyes at me and patted the seat next to her.

"WHAT HAPPENED? WHY WAS JOSH SERIOUSLY LEFT IN THE WOODS?" She basically screamed at me.

"To start off Riles, stop screaming I'm right here. Secondly, I was damn PISSED." I emphasized. Then it hit me that Josh probably had to call the Matthews to pick him up because I took my car here. I guess I did overlook that fact. I mean he wasn't going to be walking for hours.

I started to Riley the story. How we went on a hiking date, how we went off trail and just basically talked and cuddled. Then I told her the question I had asked him.

"That question in general is just a bad idea Maya."

"I know, but I was dying to know. " I shrugged my shoulders.

"So what was his answer?"

I gave her a look.

"No."

"Yes."

"Uncle Josh is going to hear it from me!" She was about to get up before I pulled her down to sit next to me.

"I'm sure me and Josh will make it work out. After I'm not mad at him though. For now, tell me about why you've been gone and why you're so red."

Long story short. Riley's got a new man. She actually has someone now. I'm happy for her. She's moved on. Thank god. After how Lucas had been ignoring her I'm glad she moved on. She's been sneaking around us to meet with him. He doesn't go to our school so she's been using her off campus during lunch to go out with him or going out after school with him. She doesn't want me to meet him yet because nothing's official. She'll officially let me give him the best friend lookdown when they're officially together. But it's got me thinking, how does he have time to pick her up when they're both in school?

"Wait, so was he the reason why you were partly happy and excited earlier?"

She nodded ferociously. Her grin got wide. "He gave me a kiss goodbye."

"Right there? Outside my door?"

"Yes!"

Let's just say our talk took hours and hours. Typically girl talk.  
-

"Maya Hart!" Why is everyone calling me by my whole name lately?

I kept walking, refusing to stop. I heard him coming closer so I started walking faster. There was a slight fear in me, thinking it was _him_ but I knew he wouldn't be in my school. He was a college student and I was in my high school. He'd have no reason to come here. Of course he could find an excuse to come here but I don't like to think about that possibility. I don't want to jinx myself. My fear wasn't as strong as before, but because I saw him at Josh's place..the fear had been stronger than recently. I try not to think about it.

I knew it was Josh chasing me down but my thought was so deep into the other thought that I had forgot it was Josh. When Josh had finally caught up, he grabbed my by the shoulder and spun me around. Of course being me, I punched him straight in the gut. Suddenly the face I loved was eye level and scrunched in pain.

"Josh, I am so sorry." I checked to make sure he was okay.

"It's okay, I deserved that for my answer yesterday. I just didn't expect it to be so strong." He said jokingly.

"That wasn't why I punched.." I faded off.

Josh once again stood up straight and raised an eyebrow. I could safely assume he didn't fully hear me, which is good.

Then I remembered I was mad at him. I spun back around and started to walk off. Of course, Josh was faster than me and grabbed my hand. Instead he dragged me outside all the way to the park. This was only okay because it was the end of a school day.

We sat on a bench under a big tree. It was quite peaceful, even with the slightly tense air around the two of us.

Suddenly Josh turned to me. He opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it. It was like he was a fish out of water.

"When I said friends yesterday, I meant it as we were just friends." The anger was starting to rise up. " Let me finish. I didn't want to say we were dating or officially in a relationship yet because I wanted to make sure you were ready for it. I didn't want to suddenly declare it if you weren't ready for it."

"You should've realized I was ready for it the day I kissed you dummy."

"I am a dummy. I wasn't entirely sure so I wanted to make sure first."

I rolled my eyes at him.

"There's another reason I said just friends." I raised a brow.

He continued, "I wanted to properly ask you. Of course I have to ask Katy and Shawn first. Yesterday, I finally got their permission. I think they were just giving me a hard time for the sake of seeing how serious I am. I am serious Maya Hart."

I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks.

"I was going to wait for it, but I don't think I can wait. Neither can you it seems. Maya Hart, will be my girlfriend?"

The grin on my face was all I needed to say really.


	18. Chapter 18

It was our little secret. Nobody knows about it yet. Okay its only been a day, but it's hard to believe that neither of us have told anyone yet.

I was scared about what they were going to say. Back then they kept telling us that it was inappropriate. They kept telling us that it was wrong, that it was impossible. What if they say that now?

I wasn't 18 yet, what if this is wrong? No. I can't doubt myself. I looked at the text message I had gotten early this morning. A text from Josh saying a simple "good morning". Yup, we were going to be one of those couples. As much as I would love to hate it, I secretly liked it. It was so cliche which was gross, but cliches were cliches for a reason. Everyone likes them to a certain extent.

I quickly texted him back. And started getting ready. I quickly drove to Riley's place to pick her up.

"Why are you so smiley?" Riley asked as she bounced into the car.

"What do you mean? I'm always this happy."

"No no no. You're always 'why am I here. I should ditch' grumpy Maya."

"I just woke up in a good mood today"

I knew Riley didn't believe me because I didn't believe me. She shrugged it off anyways.

"How are you and your boo?" I asked her. As much as my love life was progressing, I needed to keep up with Riley's too.

"We're doing great. I absolutely like this guy Maya. He accepts my bubbliness and my goofiness. He doesn't look at me the way.."

"Lucas did sometimes". I finished for her. I took one hand off the wheel to grab her hand.

"I'm glad for you Riles. You're great the way you are and I'm glad someone can see it. Well other than your number one:me".

She shot a smile at me. "You're my number one too."

"How are you and Josh by the way?" I tried my hardest to hold back a smile.

"We're good. We've been doing the same"

"That's good. And how are you though Maya?"

I was so over the moon about Josh that for a second I managed to forget my nightmares and my fears. For one night I had forgotten everything and thought I was a normal girl.

I wanted that feeling to last forever. I know that's just wishful thinking though. The nightmares will always come back, the fear will always be there. Nothing will ever leave me.

But I'm learning that these things don't have to define me. I can still live on with these fears. Yea it'll be tough but if life wasn't tough then what was it. I've been through enough, I wont let it bring me down.

Gosh I'm starting to sound like Riley.

School went by quickly. Nothing interesting really happened. Although, Smackle and Farkle have been MIA for ages. They're probably working on college admissions. Hell, they're probably competing to see who's get into the best college.

College huh?

I had an idea of where I wanted to apply. One option being NYU of course. There were my back ups like going to a closer college that I was sure I'd get into. I also wanted to try and seeing if I could get into a University of California. I needed to research on that. And then there was that..

I haven't been thinking about it in the past year because of everything that happened. Every time I tried to pick up a pencil or a brush of some sort, my mind always wandered back to that night. I was scared of it. I knew it was because I wanted to lay it all out but it was hard on me.

That time during home coming, I was excited because I thought that maybe I could finally get passed it. And surprisingly I did. I had Josh there with me though. He pulled me out of that hiccup in a way. The colors and images still scared me but I can't just be stuck forever. Art was a part of me, and that's why it kept reminding me of my past.

The more I thought about art and college, the more I felt motivated. I started to head to an arts store since most of my supplies we're dried out from not being used. I wasn't sure if I would be going to an art school or even applying but I could at least leisurely draw right? I hope.

"Maya!" Riley yelled from the first floor. I was on the third floor so it wasn't too far, but that sure disturbed the rest of the neighbors.

"Riley? What are you doing?" I screamed back. I guess neither of us cared that it was 10 at night and surely some people would be upset at our volume.

"Do I have some news for you!" She jumped all happy. She was always happy though.

"Then come up here and tell me!" She immediately ran off into the building and soon enough she was at my door.

I still left all the lights on, so I could see the shadows of Riley right at my door. I opened it and right away Riley came bouncing.

"We are officially" she came singing in. She spun a few times too.

"Really? This is great Riley!"

"Isn't it?" She grabbed my hand and started jumping up and down. Unfortunately for Riley I did not do that.

"So when do I get to meet him?"

"Well my good friend, I hope you're free this Saturday. We're going on a double date!"

My smile dropped a little. Date?

"I know you have uncle Josh but I just didn't want you to third wheel. I also don't want uncle Josh to meet him yet because I want you to tell me first what you think of him. So my now boyfriend said that he would invite his brother to go on the date. Don't worry, it's just a strictly friends thing."

His brother? Isn't that weird?

"And him and his brother are best friends. They're like twins so it's not too weird. Fraternal by the way."

I sighed. She looked me in the eyes with her puppy eyes. "Please tell me you'll agree. I'll be with you the whole time."

I gave a bigger sigh and small smile, "fine."

"YES! I'M SO EXCITED" she hopped around.

I guess I'm going to have to tell Josh about this and hope he's okay with it. I wonder what Riley's boyfriend is like.


	19. Chapter 19

Josh was kind of okay with it. He said he was okay with it, but I felt like he really wasn't okay with it. Nevertheless, I couldn't let Riley down nor could I miss this chance to meet her boyfriend.

I wanted to give him the 'best friend will kill you if you hurt her look down'. It was just my job to protect her. She has been by my side through everything, I could only do the same for her.

We decided to meet the two there. Naturally I picked up Riley and started to head towards our meeting spot. It was actually at the NYU campus, oddly enough. Her boyfriend is a student there though so I guess it wasn't that odd.

We waited at an open area just sitting there talking about her boyfriend and his brother.

"Just try not to scare him too much"

"That's exactly what I'm here for." I give her a big grin.

"You're going to scare him off!" Riley laughed.

"Hey! I'm not that scary!" I shouldered her.

"Are you sure this is okay? I'm scared that I forced you to come.." She looked worried.

"I'm a lot better now thanks to Josh. Of course, thanks to all of you guys too. If you guys weren't there for me through all this darkness, I probably would have never made it. I think I can do it."

"If you can't do it, tell me right away. It's always you before anyone else. I don't care what it is, or what I'll have to get through."

"Thanks Riles, but I think I'm okay." I gave her a genuine smile. I was going to put up with this. I wasn't going to depend on just Josh or anyone. I needed to overcome it and that meant also talking to other people.

"Anyways, how is Josh? Do you guys have any improvements that I should know about? Any developments?" She wiggled her eyebrows. I squinted at her. Did she know? Nah I doubt it. Everyone knew me and Josh are in a complicated relationship so nobody ever really could tell our actual status.

"We're good." Way to be secretive in the most plain way Maya.

"Well, at least you guys aren't arguing anymore. How did you guys resolve that anyways?"

Luckily a figure started to run towards us so that I didn't have a chance to answer.

"Riley!" the figure yelled.

"Adam!" She called back to him.

"By the way they're fraternal twins so this is not what his brother is going to look like. He's said to be better that I'm encouraging you to go after someone that's not uncle Josh, but at least your 'date' will match your great looks" She quickly said before running to her boyfriend.

I slowly got up and walked towards the couple that was now doing the cliche run and hug you see in movies.

"Adam, this is Maya. My best friend, my number one" She introduced him to me and vice versa.

"Nice to meet you Adam."

"Nice to meet you Maya." He gave me a sweet smile while sticking his hand out for a handshake.

I took a mental deep breathe before grabbing his hand. If I was gonna balls up I was going to do it right.

"I'm leaving Riley in your hands, but if you dare hurt her.."

"Maya, please stop." Riley said embarrassingly.

"Don't worry, I don't plan on doing so." He assured me.

Adam was fairly tall, about 6'3. He had a small tan and deep brown eyes. His hair was put into a messy combover. It was like he wanted it, but did it too clean that he looked like his dad so used his hands to mess it up a little. He wasn't exactly lanky but we wasn't built either. He was in between. If Riley were to fall though, he could definitely catch her.

"So where's your brother?" Riley asked him.

"He's running late. Unlike me, he lives off campus. He texted me that his apartment mate was in a pickle."

Did he just say pickle? Gosh, he seems to fit Riley perfectly.

"Well, while we wait, tell me more about you Adam." I basically demanded, in my sweetest tone though. I had to make it hard for him.

"Okay well," He then pulled a blanket from no where. There also seemed to be a basket full of food. Maybe I didn't notice it at first?

"I'm Asian American with my dad from Vietnam and my mom from California. I was born and raised in California, but I'm here in New York for college. I'm a pisces and I like to eat ice cream in any kind of weather."

Riley had a huge grin at the last fun fact. That was cute.

"How did you guys meet? Riley wouldn't tell me anything"

"Honestly.. Ice cream. She was getting ice cream, but she forgot her wallet" He started. That is such a Riley thing to do.

"I was behind her so I paid. She wanted to pay me back, but I insisted she didn't have to. Of course, she insisted back, and eventually she forced me to accept. Come along the next time we get ice cream, and she somehow forgot her wallet again." He chuckled.

Riley blushed bright red.

"Hey! I just switched my wallets, of course I would take the other one that I'm used to!" She pouted.

"There there sweetie" Adam said as he rubbed her back.

"That's such a Riley thing to do!" I laugh. I liked her boyfriend so far, he was nice and seemed like he was treating her right. That was a positive at least.

I eventually flopped myself down to the grass as Adam took out the food.

I stared at the clouds. It wasn't a bright day, rather it was cloudy. Some of the clouds were gray. I hoped it didn't rain. I closed my eyes to think. I think I was doing okay. I wasn't scared and I was actually enjoying myself. I loved hearing about Riley's love encounter and seeing how happy she was.

"Over here!" Adam called out. Eventually footsteps were heard, as if they were right in front of me. They felt heavy.

"Riley, this is Wilbur." There was shuffling as introductions were mad.

I opened my eyes and began to sit up.

"My brother's an idiot. Just because I got his name wrong one time, he thinks he can keep making fun of me by getting my name wrong."

My eyes were adjusting from staring at the sky for too long. My sight was all black with specs of white.

"Hey! I heard you're my partner today. My name's Willis"

Wait. Willis?

"Hey aren't you-"

He didn't get to finish. My piercing scream echoed throughout the park we were at.

I ran and ran. I didn't stop. It was one glance. One look to bring me back. Everything around me was dark. I had hit a tree or something. I wasn't running anymore. I couldn't breathe. He was touching me. I was being touched. Get away from me. Please, leave me alone. Please stop. I want it to end. Can I just end it all? I can't breathe.

"-ya! Maya!" Who was that? It was him.

"Get away from me!" What was going on? Why is this happening to me? Did I do something bad to deserve this? Is this karma for doing something Riley and Farkle told me not to do? Is this karma for dating Josh?

A hand reached out and I screamed louder. I screamed into nothing.

"Get away! Get away! Get away!"

The came closer.

I was being surrounded. I was going to die here. This is where it happens. I can't escape. He's touching me and I can't stop it. I can't do anything. I'm useless.

"Maya! Please! It's me. Riley." Riley? She's not here though. She was at home where she told me not to go.

"Peaches please.." Where was her voice coming from. There's something wet on my shoulder.

I was surrounded my Riley's hair. She was crying, and so was I.

"Peaches, I'm here for you. What's wrong? Don't worry, I'm here. I won't leave you. You're safe." She pulled back and stared straight into my eyes. It was the eyes of someone who's been there since the beginning. Since I lost myself, since the first time we met Farkle, since just about forever. The eyes that have been my number one.

Everywhere else was dark. It was just her and me.

"It was him."

"Him?"

"He was the one who.."

Her eyes widened.

"You don't have to continue Maya.."

I shook my head. It felt like if I didn't say it now, I'll never be able to say it again..

"He raped me Riley.."


	20. Chapter 20

Where was I? Why was it so dark? Why can't I leave?

"Riley?" Nothing

"Josh.." Empty

"Farkle, Smackle?" The darkness just kept getting deeper. There was no way out.

Why am I alone? What am I saying, of course I'm alone. I brought this upon myself. It was all my fault. If I didn't go to the stupid party.

"Maya." Who's voice was that, I didn't recognize it.

"Who's there?" I'm scared.

"You're friend of course."

"Who.."

"Willis, obviously." Hands grabbed my wrist and put them behind my head. I couldn't get out. No matter how much I struggled I couldn't get out.

Suddenly, I was alone. My clothes ripped off and I was tired. I was in the alley. What did I do? Why did this happen to me? I'm not me anymore. I've been..defiled. I've been tainted. I'm so dirty.

Why won't this dirt come off? How can I get it off me? Someone please tell me.

There was something at the end of the alley. It wasn't the same as everywhere else. It was green. I walked towards the green. I couldn't go there though. It was because I wasn't like over there. I was dirty.

I can't breathe anymore. I couldn't see. It was dark. I dropped to my knees. Why can't I breathe? There was a buzzing noise in my ears. I couldn't hear anything.

Suddenly there was a muffled voice. I looked around but I still couldn't see anything.

"Maya please.." It was Riley but I couldn't answer her. I couldn't breathe. It was getting harder to breathe by the second. I was taking gasps for air, but nothing was going through.

"Maya!" I heard a shuffling. I could barely hear it.

"Uncle Josh, I need your help please...We're at Washington Square Park..Okay...-ya...-can't tell you on the phone-..yes it's about-...Hurry!"

There was no such this as time here.

It was as if it had been eternity since I last saw something or heard something, yet at the same time it felt as if no time had passed either.

I could hear Josh's muffled voice now. It seemed as if he was breathing heavily. Why was he here? No. I don't want him to see me like this. I'm dirty, he can't see me. He can't know. He won't accept me anymore. Nobody will. I was a dirty piece of used tissue that nobody wanted. I was trash.

A hand was coming for me.

"GET AWAY. DON'T TOUCH ME! STAY AWAY FROM ME."

And soon everything was just dull.

I was in a bed. Who's bed? Wasn't I in an alley just now?

"Everything's okay now" A soft voice said. "Relax, you're safe" The voice was familiar. I've known this voice for years, yet I can't put my finger on who it was.

I was shaking. That's why I was being comforted. Since when was I shaking. I was scared to open my eyes. What if I'm still naked? My hand cautiously went to my body. Only then did I realize that there was a large coat over me. I was under the blanket.

"I'll always be here for you Maya.." I slightly nodded my head before everything drifted to black again.

My eyes fluttered open to me being in bed. I hadn't left where I was. I was in an alley, no wait, I was at the park in NYU with Riley. Then her boyfriend came, and then his bro-. I couldn't even think it.

"Maya, you're awake." Riley head popped into my view.

"Riles" I barely managed to croak.

"I'm so glad you're okay." She grabbed me into a hug.

"I was so worried. I am so sorry Maya." She had tears in her eyes.

"It's okay Riles, you didn't know."

That was when Josh walked through the door to my room. I knew it was Josh. Right? I couldn't stop shaking though. My mind heart knew it was him, but my mind and body couldn't stop shaking. I was afraid.

"Maya?" Josh slowly said. He could see me shaking. He started to come closer. He was by my bed side now

"Are you okay?" His hand started to reach for me when it suddenly stopped. Both Riley and Josh had their hands to their ears. That's when I realized I had screamed. It was starting to become black again. There was a hand reaching towards me.

"It's okay peaches!" Riley came and hugged me. She was rubbing the back of my head.

"I should go." Josh quickly said and left just as quickly.

"Riley, what do I do? What do I do? I'm back to square one."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. I can't even look at him. I know its him and I'm safe, but I can't help but make the same reaction. I keep thinking back to that night."

There was soon another knock on my door. Was Josh back already? Riley picked herself up and checked to see who it was.

She opened the door wider to reveal Farkle.

"I don't know if she can see you.." She said as she took what I told her into consideration.

"I think..it's okay. I hope." I say quietly.

Farkle quietly stepped in and started to walk towards me.

The same shadowy figure was coming closer.

"No. Please go away. No no! I need to run. I need to get away!"

"Shh its okay.." I hear Farkle's voice as he pats my head.

 _"It's okay now Maya"_ It was the same voice.

"You've helped me before.." I quietly whisper.

"Riley, is it alright if I talk to Maya alone?"

"But" She gave me an unsure look. I gave her a small nod. "Okay."

Once the door was closed behind Farkle, I managed to look at him. I didn't remember it completely, but Farkle was there. He helped me. Why was he there though? Why didn't I remember this until now?

"Why were you there?"

"I was worried. It was a college party and you weren't going with anyone that we knew and trusted."

"You helped me? When did you come?"

"I only went later into the night. I was on my way to the party, which should have been close to over, to make sure you could get home safely and that you were okay. I wanted to bring you back home."

He was there? When I left?

"I was on my way when someone drunkenly bumped into me. He reeked of alcohol. That's when.."

"You found me."

"I wish I had gotten there sooner. I should've just went with you. It was too late, but I did my best to help you with all I could. I brought you home. Luckily he didn't take anything from you. I brought you home and I could tell, you were afraid. I knew this was going to make an impact on you. I just tried to comfort you as much as possible."

The soft voice and sweet comforts were Farkle. I could barely remember it, but the feeling was there. I thought that I wasn't as scared as Farkle because he was my close male friend. He was just as close as Riley. I know that that was part of the reason, but it was also because he had helped me. I trusted Farkle a lot faster than anyone else. He was the first person I wasn't too scared of.

I looked into his eyes. It was full of sadness and guilt.

"The day after you were afraid. I realized you didn't remember so I thought it'd be best if I just didn't bring it up. I didn't want you to remember that night or have any indication that could trigger that memory."

"Farkle, stop looking so guilty. I don't completely remember that happening, but I do have a few memories of it. The soft and comforting voice you gave me was probably my only hope that night. I truly thought there was nothing good in the world, at least for me. You were probably a big reason why I'm here where I am today. Or was at least." Thinking back to my relapse.

"You know Maya. I didn't get the chance to help you that night. I wanted to say so much to you, to help you get through everything, but I knew I couldn't get too close. Look, you've come so far. You're still able to talk to me and look how close we are right now. If you truly went back to how you were, you wouldn't even be able to breathe around me."

"But that's because"

"It's not because I helped you. Sure you feel safer, but at that time when it happened you weren't able to look at me at all, let alone talk to me. Don't let yourself fall behind because of this. You're stronger than that aren't you?"

Am I stronger than that though? Aren't I just a weak little girl?

No.

I wasn't weak. If I was weak then I wouldn't have wanted to change. I did change. I'm still changing.

"I'm not weak."

Farkle gave me a bright smile.

"That's what I want to hear. You'll overcome this. I believe in you. We all do."

There was a sudden urge that overtook me. I pulled Farkle into a strong hug. It was safe.

Farkle was frozen in surprise at first, but eventually he hugged back. We hugged for as long as we need.

"And this is why you're my best friend..after Riley of course. You're just as important though."

"I'll always love you two both. Through everything we go through. Now get some sleep Maya, you're going to need it."

Soon he was out of my bedroom.

I really was going to need it. I felt like I needed to expose myself more, at least to Josh. I wanted to tell him everything and show my vulnerability. Only then will I be able to grow and overcome this.


End file.
